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issue 40

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John McTiernan is a man of great vision. Not only was he able to successfully remake Rollerball with dolt du jour Chris Klein in James Caan's role, but way back in 1987, he was able to make a movie starring all the future leaders of the world. Of course, a movie with a cast of this magnitude has to deal with important topics. This was no Bedtime for Bonzo farce that just happened to star someone with future clout; this was a movie designed to attract people who would eventually become great leaders. The film deals with global political intrigue in a frank and brutal manner: imagine that several members of the President's cabinet had been kidnapped by a guerrila group in South America.

Of course, the country must assemble a group of its strongest, most highly trained individuals in order to perform a life-or-death rescue mission in order to save those cabinet members and insure the future safety of the world. The leader of that group of men, of course, was Major Dutch, as played by the future governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, and his band of commandos includes the current governor of Minnesota and future president of the world Jesse Ventura. The movie, of course, is Predator.


Someone with skills like
these would be hard to track.

How fitting, though, that Schwarzenegger and Ventura's opponent in Predator would also turn out to be this country's greatest enemy. The Predator was played by Kevin Peter Hall, a 7'2" actor who you also might remember as "Harry" in Harry and the Hendersons and "the tall black guy" in the TV series "Misfits of Science." During Hall's time in South America filming Predator, he was able to learn from the real-life guerillas who were working with the research department of the movie—a major reason why Predator's portrayal of terrorist groups was so realistic.

According to records, Kevin Peter Hall died in 1991. Or did he? As Hitler lived on in South America long after World War II, Hall was able to trump his reported demise and continue on living in the Sudan. It's no coincidence that Osama bin Laden was expelled from Saudi Arabia during that same year—they both ended up in the Sudan where together they would plot the bombing of the US Embassies in Africa and the World Trade Center.

You may be skeptical, but consider the trauma Hall survived. Not only was he put to shame by not one but two governors in the first Predator movie, he was dragged out in a second one where he had his ass kicked again, this time by Danny Glover, Gary Busey, and current Security Advisor Condeleeza Rice. So, Hall's hatred of America runs deep. You may not have heard of Hall's hand in the terror acts of the last ten years but trust us, he was there.

Reportings of Bigfoot are decades old, but usually they happen in the northern United States in areas surrounding major national parks. Seldom do you hear of Bigfoot sightings in Oklahoma. Yet, if you study National Inquirer records between the years 1993 and 1995, you'll see that there were dozens of reported sightings in and around the Oklahoma City area. Is it coincidence that Hall played Bigfoot in Harry and the Hendersons? Is it coincidence that the bombing of the Murrah building happened after the last known sighting of Hall in 1991?

After completing his plan in Oklahoma, Hall returned to the Middle East and Africa, where he reportedly remains to this day. While one may question the ability of a 7'2" TV star to hide (irregardless of whether 6'6" bin Laden remains at large), consider the other ability Hall has displayed in his roles: the ability to shrink his body. Yes, part of the reason Hall was cast in the TV series "Misfits of Science" is because he is able to shrink his body to approximately 8 inches in length. This ability was turned into a "superpower" for the purposes of the TV show, along with the rock star's ability to shoot lightning while he plays electric guitar and Courtney Cox's ability to fall in love with complete idiots. Finding an 8 inch tall man in Pakistan is quite a bit like finding a needle in a haystack, now isn't it.

If you have any comments about the site, please send us an email or stop by our message board. Look for our next issue on September 19th. Thanks for not taking us seriously.

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previous issues: 0, 1, 2, 3, cu, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,
11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20,
wl, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39
Tom and Adam's NFL Picks — Week 2
previous weeks: 1
(article)
updated 11 sep
The Ned and Daron Report:
Whew, Last Week was Funny II

(article)
added 15 aug
Thrifty Rocker: Get Thee To The Web
(article)
added 15 aug
myPsychOn
(tool)
added 15 aug
AZITA
(interview)
added 11 jul

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Jackie-O Motherfucker - Europe 2002
Animal Collective - Here Comes the Indian

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Barnacled - 6 California Oranges - Oranges & Pineapples
The Carlsonics - s/t CCCP - Collapse
Cold Sides - Corrugated Sibilants EP The Dao Son For - s/t
Arrington de Dionyso and the Old Time Relijun - Varieties of Religious Experience Holly Golightly - Truly She is None Other
Martin Gore - Counterfeit 2 Lebatol - Rate EP
The Life and Times - The Flat End of the Earth EP The Long Winters - When I Pretend to Fall
Danny McDonald - Summer City Sei Miguel - Ra Clock
Mogwai - Happy Songs For Happy People Mushroom - Mad Dogs and San Franciscans
1234 - Ol' Sparky, Total Improv! Spencer Owen - Malheur Ln.
Parts and Labor - Groundswell Jessica Pavone - 27 Epigrams
Britta Phillips & Dean Wareham - L'Avventura The Potomac Accord - In One-Hundred Years the Prize Will be Forgotten
Project Grimm - Huge Beings Rebel Powers - Not One Star Will Stand the Night
Roman Evening - Tiny Ladies Saloon - If We Meet In the Future
Sand - The West is Best Rusty Santos - Outside Versus In
Sirhan Duran - s/t Starflyer 59 - Old
Howard Stelzer & Jason Talbot - Songs Tsurubami - Gekkyukekkaichi
Typewash - Beekey The Tyde - Twice
Vermilion - Flattening Mountains and Creating Empires

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