Me, I love the French. I think they are okay patriots, not as good as the British or maybe even the Dixie Chicks, but good enough that we shouldn't separate them out. I mean think about all the great stuff the French gave us. They gave us Louisianna, which is a great state if you like living below sea level and drinking. And they gave us kissing with tongues. I mean, think about where we'd be if we couldn't kiss with tongues. If you can't kiss with tongues, then that also means you probably don't do anything else with your tongue. Except for taste food, which I guess is what it's best at. And if you're tasting food and you're an American, likely you are eating some French fries.

But now everyone wants to get rid of the "French". French's mustard even had to put out a press release: "For the record, French's would like to say, there is nothing more American than French's mustard." Okay, maybe I don't buy that. Ketchup is way more American than mustard. Ketchup comes from a plump, juicy tomato, but mustard comes from a seed. I'll be damned if you tell me some mashed up seeds is more American than the mixture of a ripe tomato and some vinegar. In fact, I'm pretty sure that mustard seeds are primarly exported by Arab and South Asian countries. In other words, sure you can shoot heroin or drive an SUV—that is all okay—but if you eat mustard, then you are supporting terrorism.

So I guess what I'm saying is, don't blame the French for being unAmerican. You can call it freedom kissing if you want, but as far as I'm concerned it's never unAmerican to do a little French kissing in the backseat of your car after eating a Biggie-sized order of French fries. That is unless you're using French's mustard. I'm pretty sure French's mustard is evil and should be stopped.

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