The Mogwai Relationship Quiz (or the Mogwai "Entrance" Exam)

The answers come from an interview with Barry Burns of Mogwai. After conducting what had to be the most definitive interview ever conducted with Mogwai (yeah!), Philip Smoker placed the tape for the interview in the most secure place he knew: the foot well of his car. The tape was lost forever. After realizing this mistake, a far less chatty email interview was conducted with Barry.

Barry's answers are below, but which ones are they? If you and Mogwai are really soul mates, this test will be a snap, and you should send nude photos to the band immediately. Otherwise, maybe you should limit your love to their music.

1. What material are you currently working on?
   1. An EP due by the end of the year. Since the last one had 1 twenty minute song, this one will have 20 one minute songs.
   2. We are working on an instrumental version of The Joshua Tree. It will be brilliant.
   3. Trying to get another remix album put together, but Timbaland is not returning our phone calls.
   4. Stuff for our new album, some remixes of Schneider TM, and some filmy stuff possibly. (Who Knows?)
   5. Just taking a break for now. Waiting to be inspired.
2. When will you cover an Andrew WK tune?
   1. Only after we finish covering Judas Priest's British Metal.
   2. We've always wanted to record party music for weddings. Maybe this is our chance.
   3. I wouldn't really call them "tunes." Probably never.
   4. The second we get signed to Interscope and start hanging out with Fred Durst and Puddle of Mudd.
   5. When the devil's ball sack gets cold.
3. What is your favorite active ingredient in Buckfast Tonic Wine?
   1. Alcohol
   2. Vanilla
   3. Tea
   4. Caffeine
   5. Coca leaves
4. How do you feel about music being freely distributed through file-sharing services?
   1. I find it hard to stomach really. Maybe Dr. Dre lives in a mansion and drives a Bentley, but each sale is another meal for us... we need the money.
   2. Half the music I own was "shared." I'd rather continue to pirate than get a few extra dollars from Matador.
   3. Usually if people like something they download, they will buy it. I really believe that.
   4. Music is still freely distributed through file-sharing services?
   5. I'm not sure, yet. Let's wait for a few more years and see the benefits/disadvantages...
5. For the record, how do you feel about live taping for strictly non-profit trading and enjoyment?
   1. We love the love.
   2. Enjoyment, fine. Trading gets to be suspicious.
   3. We'd rather not have those things preserved.
   4. I don't mind but it's hard to trust everyone you meet.
   5. We don't care, but if they do sell it, we better get some $$$.
6. Would you ever license a Mogwai song for use in an advertisement?
   1. Only if it was for a product we used. No incontinence commercials please.
   2. No. Our songs are complete pieces of art. Would you cut out Mona Lisa's smile and place it beside a tube of toothpaste?
   3. We wouldn't have, but if Jim O'Rourke is going to, then what the hell?
   4. You mean you haven't seen the new Iron Bru commercials? We are so proud.
   5. YES, show me the money. I need to buy a house, I'm 26 for fuck sake...
7. Why is Mogwai mentioned on Neighbours all the time? (Note: Neighbours is an Australian soap opera.)
   1. Are you implying we shouldn't be?
   2. We know the director back from our school days.
   3. Bribes.
   4. We know the script editor because he came to one of our gigs in Oz. Weird, I know.
   5. Damned if I know.
8. What films have you seen recently?
   1. Ali G Indahouse
   2. xXx
   3. Last Tango in Paris
   4. James Bond movie marathon (Sean Connery only)
   5. Star Wars, The Last Waltz on DVD
9. If Mogwai was a Star Wars movie/character, which one would it be?
   1. Darth Vader, disfigured and bitter
   2. The Millennium Falcon
   3. I don't know which one we'd be, but we'd be the one hitting on Leia.
   4. Yoda or Jar Jar, not much difference, they both speak funny.
   5. Han Solo all the way
10. Do you own a Playstation 2, GameCube, or X-box?
    1. PS2
    2. GameCube
    3. Intellivision
    4. X-box
    5. Dreamcast all the way!!!
11. What video games do you play most often?
    1. Anything involving Tony Hawk or another extreme sports star.
    2. Halo, currently.
    3. Not much time for games now, unfortunately.
    4. The ones on my phone, Solitaire, etc. Old ones are the best.
    5. Super Smash Bros. Kids games are the best.
12. Are you concerned that playing so loud could cause permanent damage to the ears of a fan?
    1. No.
    2. What did you say?
    3. Are you implying we play too loud? It is assholes like you cause us not to care.
    4. Next tour our manager says we have to get the audience to sign contracts saying they won't sue. I don't want to get into it here.
    5. Yes.
13. What would you be doing right now if Mogwai wasn't as successful?
    1. Homeless, begging for deep-fried mars bars.
    2. Working 9-to-5. What a way to make a living.
    3. Modeling sportswear.
    4. I really don't know!
    5. Plugging away, trying to be more successful.
14. Where do you see yourselves in ten years?
    1. The cover of Rolling Stone.
    2. The cover of GQ.
    3. Dead.
    4. Back in Scotland, in a house by the Loch.
    5. Spain, Greece, or anywhere else that has more than Autumn and Winter.
15. What have you been listening to lately?
    1. Hall of Mirrors and Corey Feldman's Truth Movement.
    2. Too much to list, sorry.
    3. Sun Ra, Sonic Youth, and Britney Britney Britney.
    4. Not much really. A lot of the Eminem record and Trans Am.
    5. Traditional Japanese percussion music.

Pencils down! That is the end of the test. Scroll down for the answer key and how to assess your score.

Answer Key

Your Mogwai Love Potential

MOGWAI ONE NIGHT STAND (7 to 12 Correct) Okay, maybe you aren't right for Mogwai, but with a little luck, maybe you can at least get into their pants. It is worth a shot, right? If that still sounds appealing, do not lose hope.

MOGWAI RULE BREAKER (0 to 6 Correct) You were going to feed them after midnight weren't you? Dammit, don't you remember the three rules: 1) Keep them away from bright light, 2) Don't get any water on them, and 3) Never, never ever feed them after midnight. If you can't even remember how to take care of Mogwai, I think you should definitely reassess your intentions towards them.