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One thing you should probably know about Ned and I is that when we commit to something, you can be sure that we are going to accomplish that shit what we set out to do. Just as one example, this once, Ned and I both ordered some hamburgers at Wingers and we asked that they be medium rare, and when we got them they really were medium rare. Another time, back during the summer of 1987, Ned and I committed to having the tannest skin of any employees at Little Caesars (store #621). We went to the next door tanning salon ever single day on our lunch break, and within like four and a half weeks we were easily rivaling Lacey and Tera’s tans, and they were totally a member of the Wood’s Cross Drill Team and friend of a Drill Team member respectively. We kept up the hard work, and in the end, we totally got way more tan then them, and if we wanted to, we probably could have – just based on our tans alone – even become both members of the Drill Team, which would mean that one more of us was a Drill Team member than Lacey and Tera. Anyway, the reason I even mention this is because last week Ned and I committed to do two brand new things, and I wanted to make sure that you fully grasped and realized exactly what those commitments mean to us.

Oh my gosh, you won't even believe how serious this is! See, Daron and I strongly believe in the philosophical concept of "eternity" which is the idea that you an take however the fuck long you want to get things done. It's tied to religion probably, but it's deeper than that because it's pure from any motives. So anyway, when Lacey and Tera looked like they had dyed their skins purple with easter egg dye, most people would have just said, hell, I could never get that tan, but me and Daron were like, bro, who cares if it takes us fifty years in the tanning bed to be so bronzed, we'll do it no matter how long it takes so we can show those bitches who's hot. It ended up taking not nearly as much time as we expected, but most people would be so intimidated by their fleeting mortalistic world views that they wouldn't have even bothered to start, and then they'd never find out how possible it is to win.

Anyway, that's how we schooled those whores, and even though that was like 18 years ago I still get pissed when I think about it even now.

I still sometimes laugh myself to sleep when I think about that hilarious look of humiliation and defeat on Lacey’s face when she saw how easily we totally outtanned her and Tera in such a short amount of time. It was like the ultimate in your face. Like the ultimate we totally creamed your ass. I am pretty sure that both Lacey and Tera gave up tanning on that very day, and I think there is probably a pretty good chance that at the very least maybe that the one that was on the drill team might have probably quit out a sense of complete shame. Since Ned and I both triumphantly quit Little Caesars on the very day that we outtanned them, I can’t really say whether the other one that wasn’t on the drill team before then joined the drill team filling the newly vacated spot, but chances are pretty good that maybe that is what happened…if for no other reason then simply because I can’t really imagine Lacey or Tera without some connection to the Drill Team.

Anyway, back to the commitments Ned and I made last week: First, inspired by FOX TV’s Bones, Ned and I committed to both become actual forensic anthropologists that both work as consultants for the FBI and write pseudo fictional novels in our spare time that will become New York Time’s best sellers (whether we will co-author said novels has yet to be decided). Secondly, we have committed to sign up for, receive and read FOX’s Bones newsletter every week before watching each week’s new episode. (Continue)

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