The Ned and Daron Report:
A Message Of Love
The thing about me and Daron is that we’re cosmo guys and we always have our hands in all kinds of mover type shaker type things, diverse things that you might not always be able to predict. If something strikes our interest, no matter what it is, we simply have to pursue it out of passion, and then later the money just flows naturally. For example, when we were in high school, Daron made up a way to get bouillon out of water if you accidentally get some bouillon in some water that you didn’t want any to be in. That was just a lucky discovery Daron made because he has a curious and active mind. I mean, he wasn’t trying to strike it rich, he was just trying to get some bouillon out of this thing of water he had. But from that discovery alone we both still get checks in the mail each and every month for up to three or two dollars—which may not sound like a lot, but when you consider that between the two of us we’ve had literally dozens of similar projects, you can see how the money just adds up.
Me and Daron are always hard at work on one project or another, although we don’t always know exactly where each and every one of them will lead. We were pleasantly surprised when one of our most recent obsessions took us right into the heart of the Hollywood machine, where we were lucky enough to learn some lessons about love, danger, and the power of the human spirit to overcome all odds.
See, lately we’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about and toying with different practical applications for butt raping ass panthers, which you have to admit are fascinating creatures indeed. Even regular panthers are pretty great, but what’s especially fascinating about ass panthers is how they jump out and rape the butts of people who are being bad. And when I say bad, what I mean of course is bad at being awesome.  The concept of the ferocious butt raping panther first struck me about two years ago while I was watching the George Clooney led hit The Perfect Storm. It occurred to me that, while the movie was pretty good in its totally stock form, it would be even better if it was somehow customized so that about 20 minutes in, maybe right about when George and his crew have put out to sea far enough that it’s too late to return, suddenly and inexplicably a herd of maybe 15 ass panthers flew out of each and every cupboard, locker, sideboard, window, hatch, portcullis, etc, viciously raping, scratching and biting on the crew members of the Andrea Gail until they were all dead. Then you could just immediately cut to the final touching funeral scene and skip the super dull intervening 100 or so minutes where they just float around and yell at each other.
So, for the past year or two I’ve been spending a fair amount of my time in the lab working on how to make such an awesome breed of panther work on the silver screen. The main questions on my mind have been whether the ass panthers should be specially trained regular panthers, computer generated panthers, or genetically engineered hybrid X panthers. I’ve done a lot of sketches, and I know they should be amazingly awesomely black to the point of almost being a shiny blue that could glisten in either moon or sunlight. When I talk to Daron about it, he always says they should be computer generated, but I personally would be way more in to them if they were real, and really big—let’s say about eight or ten feet.
Then, once we had worked out how to make the panthers walk, talk, rawr and rape ass, our idea was to talk to the TV networks and offer to make them specially edited and pantherized versions of big screen hits that could be shown in half hour time slots. If we didn’t have any takers, we figured we would then consider letting Hollywood directors themselves hire-out our panthers to fix up their crappy movies while they were still in production.
Last week, during one of Ned and I’s many ass panther phone discussions, or jam sessions, as I call them, Dawson’s Creek came on the TV. Our conversation quickly turned from panths to how proactive the show has become in the last few years, and how pissed off we both currently are at Pacey. He is totally never supporting Audrey lately! I mean, we both understand that he is doing really well with his new job and his new goatee, but because of that success, he has been totally blindey to what is important to me and Ned! What I don’t think he understands is that Audrey is really going through a lot of things right now; First of all, she could really use his support with the new band that she is fronting. I don’t think he understands that she has never even fronted a band, let alone been a frontman for a band, let alone, a full-on punk rock cover band. And, while I think we can all agree that she did a really good job fronting her band’s first gig, I think it is clear that she could’ve really used some encouragement and support from Pacey at the end of the night.
 Secondly, there was some allusion made that maybe something really upsetting happened between her and Jen in an earlier episode this season. Ned and I think that Pacey should try to go back and watch those earlier episodes and so he can figure out what happened. At the very least, Pacey should lend us copies of those episodes so that we can get caught up and figure out what is going on. So far, all we can figure out is that something happened between them at a party that made them feel uncomfortable around each other, and they didn’t want to talk about it. And, all I am saying is that I don’t want this to end up causing a rift in Jen and Audrey’s, or Audrey and Pacey’s relationships.
After our conversation ended it was time for me to go back to the lab and do some more lab work on the panthers. So I shut off the TV, but before I got up I paused for a moment to just reminisce a bit more about Dawson and how weird the show is lately and how weird looking he is, and pretty soon I realized I’d been sitting there in the dark for about six hours. Man, I don’t want to get all mushy on you, but that show is terrific like an autumn time day where you’re making out with a girl or whatever. You probably think I’m lazy and that I’ll never amount to anything, wasting all that time daydreaming when I should have been working, but it’s like I said earlier—if you let your obsessions guide you, chances are they will guide you to success, because that’s how I started thinking about Dona Struhs.
See, Dona was this old friend of mine that first introduced me to Dawson’s Creek. She was a huge Dawson’s Creek fan, and she looked a little bit like Exene Cervenka back when she looked like Siouxsie Sioux. So I thought if Dona liked Dawson’s Creek then Dawson’s Creek must be a very good program.
 Dona was in love with Dawson, but he wasn’t in love with her. I don’t think they were a very good match in the first place, what with Dawson being so weird looking, but Dona was a really intense person and wouldn’t allow herself to see that. When she was a child she’d lived near Chernobyl when they had their nuclear disaster, and she’d had to get checked out for radiation and everything; I don’t think she was mutated, I just think the whole experience made her really intense. I hadn’t talked to Dona for a couple of seasons, but I was pretty sure she still had an intense burning love for Dawson. I couldn’t imagine that that could ever change.
So, “what does any of this have to do with ass panthers?” you might be wondering. Well, I was sitting on the couch, thinking about Dona S. and I implore you to tell me, what does anyone think about when they’re thinking about Russia or hot Russian ladies? Two things: dancing bears and mutated radiation babies. Now you see the connection.
I called Daron back and asked whether he thought there was any chance we could somehow “trick” Dawson into falling in love with Dona. If those two got married, number one we’d have a direct line of access to both TV and movie insiders through Dawson, and number two Dona would owe me a huge favor, and as a former Russian she probably had access to the world’s greatest experts on both animal training, and how to make some awesome mutants.
So Ned calls me at 3:00 in the morning, and is all talking about Dona, one of his old co-workers, and how she could really help us with the panthers if only we could figure out a way to hook her up with Dawson, to really fall in love, you know? So, we started discussing possible scenarios that could get the two of them together. The first scenario we came up with involved us escorting Dona to the Rules of Attraction Premiere, where we would have already set up an official interview with Dawson for fakejazz.com. At this interview, we would have Dona do the interviewing while we would hide in the back and talk to her through walkie talkies to help her know what to say to make him fall in love with her.
 The only real flaw we could find with that scenario, was that Rules of Attraction had already been out for about 3 weeks, so it seemed unlikely that there would be another premiere for it. We were just about to give up and watch some Boy Meets World, when Dicky B walked into the room. He had apparently heard us discussing our dilemma, and thought he might have the perfect solution. We listened with great anticipation as he recounted what could only be described as the most completely amazing and fun solution to the problem.
“First you need to organize a semi-formal prom,” he started. At first we weren’t too surprised since this seems to be his solution for every problem, but then he went on to explain that we should make sure and invite both Dawson and Dona to the dance as well. Dawson should be coming with Ned as his date, and Dona would be in on it, so she would be coming all alone. After arriving at the dance, Ned should pressure Dawson into going out to his car, where he would try and make some moves on him, or, in other words, try to go all the way with him. Dawson would naturally resist, but Ned, being as strong as he is, would just hold him down and start to have his way with him, leaving Dawson feeling completely helpless. THEN, just when Dawson was feeling more helpless than he has ever felt before, Dona (who would have to be waiting near the car) would open up the car door and punch Ned out, saving Dawson’s virtue. Dicky B also guaranteed us that if we followed his plan, Dawson and Dona would end up giving us a brand new truck that we could take up to the lake.
The plan seemed flawless, so we set about to make it work.
Well, this all went on just the day before yesterday or maybe three days ago, and we haven’t had time to get a hold of everybody and set up the fake prom and everything yet. So even though technically I can’t tell you how it all turned out, by the time you actually read this, the story will be all but over. I can tell you with 90% certainty that everything went swimmingly, that Dawson and Dona are now in love and have a spring time engagement, that all of our panther problems got solved by Russian scientists, and that you’ll be seeing our new “actors” very soon, possibly as soon as Extreme Ops.
 Most importantly for me, for the first time in a long time I’m truly happy, you know? I feel more content than I ever have in my life, and my friends say there’s a glow about me that they’ve never seen before. Part of the reason for that, I’m sure, is just the pride of accomplishment, knowing that we did a good job. Maybe another part is just because we’ve been having such a swell time up at the lake lately. But I’m sure a big part of my inner satisfaction is a result of the lessons Daron and I learned from our adventures. We learned a lesson about love, which is that it’s really beautiful even though it’s fake and a big scam. We learned a lesson about danger which is that’s it’s really scary even though it’s fake—the panthers have all been trained to treat you gently. We also learned a lesson about the human ability to overcome all odds, which is that humans truly can overcome all odds…mainly because the odds are fake. They were never against you in the first place! You will succeed at everything you do, my friend, just like we have. Now, go out there and do it! You are 11/12. We love you.
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