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The Ned and Daron Report: Our New Office Is Totally Going To Make Us More Money!
When Doug, who's Daron's brother, was about 8 years old he accidentally pooed out a huge donkey kong on the floor of his parent's kitchen. It was pretty gross. I was over for easter dinner that day because my parents got killed by some stoned apes. My dad worked in an ape lab where they were checking how apes liked crystal methane. They like it pretty good. It makes them bust out of their cages and kill my mom and dad, which, even though I don't like, apes like doing. I know, because some security cameras filmed the whole thing and then the other science guys from the lab gave me and Laura (my sister) the tapes of it for Christmas, and in those tapes the apes were smiling. So anyway, two things I know about apes, they hate humans, and they love killing humans. I don't know how a donkey kong got up Doug's colon, but that was my second really bad experience with apes. That donkey kong really got me down all that easter, and I barely even felt like looking for eggs. I was busting out a super funky tear, and Daron wiped it off of my chin with one of those really absorbent easter sponges shaped like a pink little chicken baby.
12:47 P.M.Oh, this is that story! When I saw you typewriting, I thought you would be writing about something else. I mean, I realize that this is the first day of our new upstairs office and such, but I guess I just thought you would be writing about something that made me look cooler. What if people hear your story about my brother and start to make some totally off-based assumptions about me, and what I might have done when I was 8 years old? Couldn’t you tell a story where I do something totally off the hook, like, for example a story where I would ditch school and hang out with Jared Fluman and then totally do something extreme? And could I be wearing levi cutoffs with thermal long underwear underneath and maybe I could have an earring, and Fluman would just be dressed like he always was, in that leather Subhuman’s biker jacket and maybe some other stuff that was really awesome. Maybe later on, me and Fluman could co-run for student body president and then I could end up making it with Rachel Maybe. That would be awesome.
Alright. Jared was this kid that used to call himself Yardstick all the time. I wasn't friends with him, but I was still friends with Daron at that point (say, 1988) even though Daron's pretty insensitive about my feelings, and when I talk about things that are important to me, like for example, different tragedies that have happened in my family, Daron tends to always say something like "talk about me now". Whatever. Yardstick was a really popular punk rocker, and he always acted totally snobby to the rank and file punkers like myself.
One day I was in science class when I looked out the window and saw Daron walking up the hill to the front of the school. I couldn't have been more happy to see him if he was driving a stretch Cadillac full of sacks of sandwiches, because he was with Fluman, and they were holding hands like best friends. That's when I knew pretty soon I was probably going to be part of Fluman's inner circle too! I opened the window and rolled out of it down into the hedge and barrel rolled down to where they were. I jumped up and did a quick little recon maneuver to be sure Mr. Harvey didn't see me escape, but when I turned around to shake Fluman's hand, he and Daron were turned around the other way just ignoring me like as if I wasn't even there. Well, I said some things like "hi" and "hey dudes, whassup?" and some other common phrases, but nothing worked, so finally I started crying. That was the magic key, I guess, because then they turned around and acknowledged my presence with laughs of mocking and hate. There you go, Daron, I think that story made you look really cool, like a really cool dude. Anyway, I was noticing it's about 1:13 and we haven't taken a lunch hour yet. I was thinking maybe we should go see The Passion of Christ, and when we come back to the office we can review it?
 1:14 P.M.Thanks Ned. That was an awesome day, I really felt bad laughing at you, but Fluman had just barely asked me to hold hands with him, and I was seriously nervous about what might happen if I didn’t play by his rules. There is a very seriously good chance that if I would have been nicer to you I wouldn’t have been able to tell you the story about how later that day I found out why he calls himself Yardstick. But anyway, yeah, it is getting pretty late, and we have been working pretty hard on this so far. Harder than normal…so I think a movie sounds like a fun idea.
4:27 P.M.
Although I thought that director Sara Sugarman perhaps spent more time than absolutely necessary dwelling on the intense physical and spiritual suffering of Ms. Lohan’s character Lola, I have to admit, it was an experience I won’t soon forget. Never have I seen the true psyche of the teenage drama queen laid bare in such a visceral, powerful way. For example, I couldn’t believe that someone could actually get so soaking wet as she did, but when you think about it, that’s really what would actually happen if you walked for quite a while in the rain in order to find a really cool party, and by dealing with the truth in such an unflinching way Sugarman gives us not just a look at the experience, but a small taste of it as well. Some people also may complain that Lindsay Lohan and her rivals don’t really ethnically resemble true New Yorkers and Jersey girls respectively, but rather all look like what they really are, a bunch of white bread California hot chicks, but I think the casting decisions are justified by the sense of universality that it gives to the movie.
Through all the fog and despair of the misplaced, confusing hormonal attraction that teenage drama queens always feel for brit-pop super stars, I particularly liked the fact that Lola had a really cool bike. What did you think her bike really represented, Daron?
4:44 P.M.I don’t really know what to say about her bicycle. I mean, yeah, it was really cool, and she seemed to use it a lot to get around to places that she wanted to go and to see that Stu guy from that band she liked so much, but I don’t really have any idea if it meant anything. Maybe she just didn’t have a license yet, or maybe the way the bike was used and adorned was to show that it played the central role in the film’s hierarchal dominance themes. If Sugarman and Sheldon were alluding at that, then I guess I could say that they did somewhat succeed in said depiction, mostly though, I just thought her Alloy ATBs were totally tight. But what I really want to know is, what is the deal with Stu? What is his life story? How did he get his hair to look like that? How did his band form, and what did he do before that. Was he just as cool, or does a lot of his all-the-rage style stem from this? And if so, how do I join a band? Do you guys know anyone looking for a new front-man that plays mid-tempo contemporary piano and/or keyboards?
 Although Stu is a pretty boy and only a moderately talented poet whose frequent alcoholic binges further reduce whatever minimal native talent he may possess, you’ve got to realize that he didn’t just come out of nowhere. He’s had several years of experience with rock and roll music and songwriting. Last year, for example, you’ll recall that he honed his lyrical chops and in your face attitude as the voice of a rapping Kangaroo named Jack. Kangaroo Jack wore a jacket and looked really fine, which I’m sure is a big part of where Stu got the technical know-how and discipline to be all the rage this year. But even before that he dated that girl from Coyote Ugly who I’m sure gave him a really good perspective and understanding of classy song writing method and sticking to your guns when it comes to following your dreams. Whatever. The point is that the craters of the moon seem far away when you’re looking at them from the window of our office, but if you can just change your perspective you’ll realize how close we really are even to the stars in the farthest reaches of the galaxy. Just look at Ben Folds. The most important thing is definitely your tude.
But Lola’s bike: although it can take her here and there, it will never love her back. So is her bike more like her absent but still loving and caring father, or is it more like Stu, who takes Lola on a crazy trip and elevates her to the highest reaches of coolness, but who will never really be deep enough to add depth and fulfillment to her life, no matter how hard he tries to turn himself around so she won’t be disappointed in him? I think that in a couple of years Lola will forget all about Stu and move on to Ryan Phillippe, but her relationship with her father is only going to grow. That’s why I think her bike is a metaphor for rock and roll, which will take you for a ride, but will rob you of your precious nutrients and stores of fat that will keep you alive through the long cold winter that’s still to come.
So you are saying that I have the goods to make it, just like Ryan Phillippe? While I still think that my explanation of the bike is better, I guess I can also see your point. It would be silly of us to sit here in our new upstairs office and argue when the fact is that they could easily have made the bike mean more than one thing. I mean, I am totally close enough to punch you right in the fucking face right this second, but am I going to do it, just because you totally made people picture what I would look like as an 8 year old going to the bathroom, or because you totally ignored my theories on Lola’s bicycle? No, and not because I am scared of you, because I am totally not. But because much like Lola, I will carry my cross and still end up going on some pretty exciting adventures with “Stu” despite your mocking and flocking.
daron gardner
2004 mar 5 |
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