Tom and Adam's NFL Picks — Week 5

This week jas been deemed by many NFL experts to be "reunion week" because of all of the players and coaches meeting up against their former teams. We have little to say about these reunions, but think it will be an excellent week of football anyway. Most of these games look hard to pick, so we're tempted to let a super smart robot or marginally intelligent monkey pick,but they'd do only a little better than Daron, so we won't waste our time.

Our top pick, by the way, is Donovan McNabb over Rush Limbaugh.

This week is gonna hurt... here are our picks:

Arizona at Dallas

I'm not wild about picking either of these teams to win, but I guess a tie isn't very probable, so I have to pick one. The Cardinals continue to make people think they're better than they are, using their air attack to score points and make Jeff Blake look good. What happens when they meet Dallas, who has one of the better pass defenses in the NFC? Prediction: Dallas

Parcells' team is much improved so we're gonna have to agree on this one. I was in Dallas once and I stayed with this guy who was a big Cowboys fan. He was a pretty nice guy and had a huge collection of model railroad stuff, which is pretty cool. Did you know Neil Young owns Lionel trains? I suspect his lifelong fascination with them led to the naming of his character "Lionel" in Neil's amazingly warped 1982 film Human Highway. Prediction: Dallas

Denver at Kansas City

I think many people will call this the "game of the week" because both teams are leading the AFC West with a 4-0 record. There should be a lot of blood on the field, but I would suspect most people think the Chiefs will come out on top. But I don't think like most people (as my record will indicate), so I'm going with the Broncos. Prediction: Denver

This one is really a 50/50 game for me. I can't decide who I like. This is what it must feel like to be on one of those reality TV shows that Daron likes. Priest Holmes could only muster a pretty pedestrian performance last week, so I'll guess he gets back on track this week. Prediction: Kansas City

Minnesota at Atlanta

Atlanta has looked fairly bad all season. After the loss of Mike Vick and someone's bright idea that Doug Johnson was a good back-up, the Falcons find themselves winless since week one. Looking for a win against the Vikings, though, is about as worthwhile as trying to bleed a little money from the tight-fisted overlords of this site. Why aren't I paid for my toils? Why? Prediction: Minnesota

I don't think I've picked Minnesota once this season, and they're currently undefeated. I still think their success is somewhat of a fluke, and the Packers are really the kings of the NFC North. I'm going to wise up, because Adam is totally kicking my ass at this picks thing and I don't want to get too far behind. Prediction: Minnesota

Oakland at Chicago

Well, nothing really changes. The Bears will play a second game in the "new" Soldier Field. Unfortunately for them, the stadium will still look weird, and they'll lose again. The only hope they have is that the new Soldier Field is actually a UFO that will lift-off in the second quarter and whisk away the aging Raiders a al Cocoon. Fat chance. Look for another picture of someone consoling Kordell in next Monday's paper. Prediction: Oakland

Watching this will be painful. Neither team has had their act together, though a halfassed Raiders is still far better than the current Bears lineup. There is talk that Bill Romanowski might retire, which would make me happy, cause I think he's a piece of shit. I wonder which number is higher: Romanowski concussions or Kordell Stewart interceptions? Prediction: Oakland

Tennessee at New England

A close game, for sure, but one in which the Tennessee should win out. Both teams are ravaged by injuries, but injuries make Steve McNair play better. Even with a weak running game for the Titans they should be able to squeeze by. Prediction: Tennessee

After making the Steelers look bad last week, the Titans should make the Pats look equally confused. I once read about a guy who made all of his predictions based on what mascot could kill the other in real life. There's no competiton between a Titan and a Patriot. Prediction: Tennessee

Cincinnati at Buffalo

I would love to pick Cincinnatti here. They won their first game last week, and the Bills have been playing like crap the past two weeks. However, I bet Takeo Spikes is gonna be extra intense this game and pound the Cincinnati offense. And the Bills are certainly eager to get back on track. If they do lose this game, it might be a psychological setback from which they won't be able to recover this season. It's too bad one team has to wear white, cause this could be a battle of the ugliest NFL uniforms. Prediction: Buffalo

I think Buffalo is the real deal. They haven't been good the last few weeks, but may very well come out on top of their division. The Bengals are better than most people think, but not this good. I do think, though, that a Bengal could kill a "Bill" in real life, but here's where that guy's system falls apart. Prediction: Buffalo

Miami at New York Giants

After that little miscue in week one, the Dolphis have looked like a much better team, and are beginning to sneak back into people's Super Bowl predictions. New York has looked adequate, but a loss to the Cowboys should count double. Unless the metro area gets a miracle snowfall, the Dolphins are most likely going to win this one, with Ricky Williams carrying the team if need be. The running-heavy Miami gameplan is setting the team up nicely for a late-season injury to Williams and another December self-implosion. Prediction: Miami

Yeah, I definitely could see Miami getting a 30 point lead here, then continuing to give the ball to Ricky Williams until he gets a career-ending injury instead of doing something sensible like putting in a backup tailback. If the Miami defense is on—and they have been ON lately—they should prevail, although they should keep an eye on Ike Hilliard. That guy is awesome and no one covers him enough. Prediction: Miami

New Orleans at Carolina

Tom keeps telling me that Carolina's going to let me down sometime soon, and he may be right, though I doubt this is the week. The Panthers defense is still looking tough and though their offense isn't too hot, the Saints defense looked horrific last week. Bad dome karma continues. Maybe since this is outdoors and Aaron Brooks has to wear cleats, he'll ditch the all-white shoes he wore last week. They were, asthe kids say, pretty "wack." I don't understand fashion these days, and Daron isn't sharing his secrets... Prediction: Carolina

Adam and I are playing the entire season on Madden 2004, and Aaron Brooks was injured in the preseason—so the Saints are totally fucked. Their former backup QB, Jackie Delhomme, is now going to have to go up against his old team. How will he handle the pressure? He could make some key mistakes. Thus, I am making this my risky pick of the week. Prediction: New Orleans

Seattle at Green Bay

This This is a tough one for me. Seattle has looked good all season (if you ignore their uniforms), and no one has been able to stop them yet. They seem to have everythign in place for an easy postseason berth. But, the Packers are hard to discount, and early reports of their fall from glory are looking a little silly in my eyes. I think this will be a close one, but the Seahawks will pull it out. Is it any wonder that a new outdoor stadium has conincided with the Seahwaks recent upsurge over the past two seasons? I don't think so. Prediction: Seattle

The Packers looked great last Monday night—exactly like the team they are supposed to be. Brett Favre was strong, confident, and commanded the field; Ahman Green was the true star, tearing through the defense. There's just one problem: they were playing the Bears. The guy at my post office thinks Hasslebeck is a bum, but I'm going to throw my vote behind him and yet again agree with Adam. Prediction: Seattle

San Diego at Jacksonville

I said I would keep picking San Diego until they won—and I thought late Sunday afternoon that I could finally take a break. But then Oakland came back at the last second, thus assuring that last week would live in NFL Picks Infamy for me. This is a new week though, and if David Boston will actually join the team this week, they should have no problem storming past Jacksonville. Not that I have a choice, however. Prediction: San Diego

This week is redemption week for the Chargers. All that talent and they're winless. But, that will change this week. The Jaguars are bad...really bad. Jimmy Smith comes back from a rehab stint, but no one knows how he'll recover or how he'll produce. I don't see him being able to salvage the game for the Jags. If the Jaguars wear all-black, though, they're in even more trouble, because that can't bring good karma. How does a team manage to make all black look bad? Prediction: San Diego

Detroit at San Francisco

Detroit just barely lost to the Broncos last weekend, and the 49ers lost big to Minnesota. I think these two games are indicative of where these teams are headed. Though Terrell Owens' tirade against Jeff Garcia and his team's offense will most likely direct more balls his way, I think Detroit will win this game. I have absolutely nothing funny or witty to say here. Prediction: Detroit

Even though I think San Francisco should be able to win this game, I'm going to pick Detroit just to spite that loudmouth dickhead T.O. Yeah, you heard me—I called him a dickhead. Prediction: Detroit

Washington at Philadelphia

What's with all the home games for NFC teams this week? Sheesh. Anyway, here we have the Eagles, fresh off of proving me wrong last week facing the Redskins, who are always wrong. I'm still waiting for Washingtonn to fall back to Earth, and maybe this is the week in which the plummet begins. Rush Limbaugh made some disparaging remarks about Donovan McNabb last week, and I feel a distinct urge to go against Rush whenever possible. Limbaugh, that is, not the band. If Geddy Lee made NFL predictions, though, I doubt I'd trust his fotball sense, either. Prediction: Philadelphia

I've agreed with Adam so much this week that it isn't even fun. Perhaps my failures the past few weeks is scaring me into making more conservative picks? Or maybe it's Donovan McNabb's return to form last week, and my hopes that the Eagles will go to the Super Bowl this year? Prediction: Philadelphia

Cleveland at Pittsburgh

Butch Davis has never beat the Steelers. I think the Steelers have won six straight. And it's a home game. And the Cleveland defense is totally in ruins. And the one man who can put the fear of god into the Steelers, Kelly Holcomb, isn't playing. There's really no question who will win; I only wish I could make it to my friend Gregg's kegger Sunday night. Prediction: Pittsburgh

Tim Couch is in at QB. Though I like him more than Kelly Holcomb, I think this spells victory for the Steelers. Plus, they're due for a win, having lost to a deserving opponent last week. If this cycle keeps up, they Steelers will finish 8-8 and still may win the division. Oh boy. Prediction: Pittsburgh

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay

What's more fun on Monday night than seeing the high-flying Indianapolis offense go against the tough Tampa defense? Try having a life outside of your living room and actually going and doing something. That's probably more rewarding. That said, this could be a great game, and will likely feature less scoring than last week's MNF debacle. Though the Colts looked unstoppable last weekend, they're facing a stiffer test here, and I forsee John Madden making a lot of obvious statements about how a defense can win a game for a team. Al will tell him he's right. Prediction: Tampa Bay

Okay, to be needlessly contrarian and actually put some competition into it this week—Adam is absolutely wrong. Indianpolis is going to win. Monday night I will go grocery shopping, come home, make some tea, lie on the couch, and watch this game until I fall asleep (which has become my Monday night ritual). I am so domestic. Prediction: Indianpolis