Tom and Adam's NFL Picks — Week 4

Tom watched four football games this week. Actually, 5, because he flipped between the NYG/WAS and SF/CLE games repeatedly. After that he went over a friend's house to watch the Sunday night game with his friend's Dad. Then he watched the Monday night game with "the dudes." Clearly Tom has experienced "football fever," but it isn't helping him make accurate predictions.

This week doesn't look any better. Most of the games look very close, some even too close to call. But in the spirit of making wildly inaccurate predictions based on gut feelings, we're forging ahead.

Here are our picks.

Philadelphia at Buffalo

So Philadelphia got their week off to get things in order and turn their season around. Buffalo lost last week, and their offense sputtered. Big deal. Jim Steed can continue to cry in his beer, because Buffalo's winning this one. While on the topic, there are some other items Jim can cry about: I insert intentional typos into my fakejazz reviews, his fakejazz salary is paid in sea monkeys, and that boil on his inner thigh isn't just a boil... Prediction: Buffalo

I believe the Eagles were the premiere team in the NFL this year, but they just don't seem to have "it". Which really disappoints me. But maybe the week off gave Andy "Mike" Reid a chance to whip the team into shape. Buffalo will not be so fortunate, coming off a brutal Sunday night loss. The Eagles have to start winning, and now is their chance. Prediction: Philadelphia

Cincinnati at Cleveland

The Bengals have mustered up good efforts the past few weeks, only to fall to teams who are simply better. In the Browns, they've finally found a foe who they can beat. It'll be close, but I see the Bengals coming out on top. The Browns' coach is named Butch. How much worse does it get? Prediction: Cincinnati

I'm really excited to be picking Cincinnati, and with confidence too! This isn't just my usual "pick the underdog" routine (like when I picked Detroit last week). This is my hope that this team will really turn things around, causing these picks to be even harder to make. Prediction: Cincinnati

Arizona at St. Louis

Arizona's victory over the Packers was last week's surprise upset, and I bet Cardinals coach Dave "Mike" McGinnis is hoping to continue the momentum. With Marshall Faulk injured and quarterback uncertainties, St. Louis is a weakened team. However, I want to stand by my convictions—that Arizona will be the worst team in football this year. Good luck to coach "Mike" Martz! Prediction: St. Louis

Yup. I agree with Tom. I see St. Louis prevailing, no matter who's hurt. People can say all they want about the improved AZ passing attack, but they're just not going anywhere. Look for Lamar Gordon to fill in for Marshall Faulk nicely. Though I'm morally opposed to domes, Arizona should have one...they'll see how nice climate-controlled football in AZ in September could be. Prediction: St. Louis

San Francisco at Minnesota

Last week I got tons of shit for picking Detroit over Minnesota. I'm sorry, but I think Mike "Coach" Tice's Vikings are just lucky flukes, and with Culpepper hurt I think they're gonna finally lose. San Francisco needs to make the most of this year, cause they probably won't have Terrell Owens next year and Garcia will be even more brittle—so this could be their last chance. Prediction: San Francisco

This is a tough one for me. I think Minnesota would be an easy pick, but with Culpepper hurt, San Fran has a much better chance to win. How does a guy play with chipped bones in his spine? We'll see, if Mr. Culpepper plays. Jim could take a lesson from Daunte, you know, being late with the last issue because of a litte weather disturbance. And to think he's always calling himself tough. Oh yeah, the Viking's defense wins it. Prediction: Minnesota

Tennessee at Pittsburgh

So far, both the Steelers and Titans have done good jobs of looking good one week, then bad the next, then good again. I guess this is the week one of them goes the extra mile and proves something. I almost hate to go with the Steelers, but the matchup seems to favor them. The Titans can stuff the run all day, but the Steelers won't need it to win. I'll probably kick myself for this pick come Sunday, but, I hate Jeff Fisher too much to chose the Titans. Prediction: Pittsburgh

I, too, shall arrogantly predict the Steelers to win. It's a really close game but the Steelers have revenge on their minds after last season's playoff loss, and home-field advantage will definitely help. It will also be nice to see former Steelers' kicker Gary Anderson on the field a few times—who may be the only Titan to score. Steelers coach "Bill" Cowher should make some excellent faces during this game. Prediction: Pittsburgh

New England at Washington

New England coach Bill "Bill" Echick looks like this guy I went to grade school with who always wore sweatshirts and called me faggot, but he was really just a shit-talking fatass who dropped out of high school. For this I have a bias against the Patriots. Of course I can never stop talking about how much I hate Washington. This is another close game, but I think the universal bad karma towards Washington's racist team name will surpass my personal bad karma about the way New England's coach looks. Prediction: New England

There was a fat kid at my middle school who drove to school in seventh grade. He dropped out when he turned 17. I think New England will win this game. They've been hit with adversity early on this season, but I think they'll expose the Redskins this week as a mediocre team. They lost last week, and they'll do it again. Tom Brady looks a little like a guy I went to school with, but he was a nice guy and is now an artist. He rarely picked on me, though I think he tried to trick me into doing drugs once or twice. I liked that guy, but I don't like Tom Brady. Prediction: New England

Atlanta at Carolina

I learned about this really obscure NFL rule where if you fair catch a kick or punt, you are allowed to try a field goal that the other team can't defend. I'm not sure if they get to line up or if they just get to drop-kick it right when they catch it, but that's pretty cool. And as far as I can tell, this year's Madden NFL 2004 doesn't support that rule. Hey EA Sports!!! When are ya gonna fix your game??? Prediction: Carolina

Atlanta continues to look like a pretty dismal offensive threat without "Mike" Vick. Carolina's offense isn't much better, but their defense is more than able to pick up the slack. Look for low scores, lots of incomplete passes, and a big game from Stephen Davis. I'll predict that we'll see an example of the rule Tom just mentioned in this very game! But, Carolina, even when not on the field, will somehow manage to block the kick... Prediction: Carolina

Kansas City at Baltimore

Kansas City continues to look as unstoppable as a dance party playing that Beyonce song, and Baltimore shouldn't be much of a challenge. The most exciting part of this game will be seeing which team can rely on their star running back more. You know, it's funny...neither coach in this game is named Mike, but it seems that things got mixed up, and Kansas City's Dick Vermeil somehow got what should rightly be the first name of Baltimore's coach. Prediction: Kansas City

It's too easy to pick Kansas City here. Every expert is ranking them as the number one team right now, and while they certainly look good on paper, without Priest Holmes they are useless. He's been banged up before, and I'm sure Ray Lewis will be anxious to pound him into the turf a few times. Coach Brian "Bill" Ick has been doing well with rookie QB Kyle Boller, so it might be closer than anyone thinks. But it's time for me to stop making daring picks, because I need to catch up to Adam. Prediction: Kansas City

Jacksonville at Houston

This game figures to be a pretty ugly one. Houston isn't great, but should easily shred the Jaguars' secondary and win this game. I have little else to say, only that a former co-worker said that David Carr is so hot that he deserves to win every game. I don't know about that, but I will say that Daron deserves to win anything he does on looks alone. I'm still not sure how he lost out in the "Mr. Fakejazz" competition... Prediction: Houston

Do the rest of you ever wonder why Adam talks about Daron so often but not about Ned? Or any of the other fakejazz celebs? I think he has some weird issues stemming from his lifelong football fandom. Football is nothing but a pointless diversion from real life, from real things that affect real people. It's even more pointless and stupid than art/music/literature/film, which at least grasps for some sort of intangible element—some undefined faculty that justifies our existences. And while football may be entertaining at times, this game won't be entertaining even if you made Andre Johnson play in a polar bear costume. Prediction: Jacksonville

San Diego at Oakland

This is a tough one. I want San Diego to finally pull one out, but I don't think they will. Do I vote with my heart or my mind? This situation reminds me a lot of that time I was on that reality TV show. That time, I went with my heart and lost out big when the girl chose the money. I guess this time, I'll go with Oakland, being at home and coming off of a tough loss and all. When will San Diego win? I see Jacksonville in their future next week... Prediction: Oakland

The Chargers have got to win! Their uniforms are hot! I really like this team! Why does Drew Brees keep shitting the bed? When is David Boston going to finally be useful? There were signs last week of a start. I'm going to keep picking them until they finally win. Oakland are wounded beasts who play dirty, and coach Bill "Smog" Callahan is too stoic. Prediction: San Diego

Detroit at Denver

This one won't even be funny. I'll go with Denver for three reasons. 1. They have a coach named Mike, and Tom seems to think that gives them the edge. 2. There's just no way they'll lose. 3. I'd much rather spend a weekend in Denver than in Detroit. Though Detroit has a better noise music scene, I feel as though I'd enjoy myself more in the Mile High city, even if I weren't able to take in any live music. If we're lucky, both teams will wear throwback uniforms. That will make this game look better. Prediction: Denver

I was watching Denver whoop the Raiders last week and my friend Dan was explaining why he liked Jake Plummer. "He's like a sleazy, dirtball frat boy who's busy hitting on your girlfriend while you're at the keg." And even though Mike Shanahan looks like the mean geography teacher i had in 5th grade, he's working well with Plummer and developing a menacing offense. Denver may be the surest best to be 4-0 after this week. Prediction: Denver

Dallas at New York Jets

The New York Jets haven't had much luck this season. Dallas, on the other hand, had some opportune luck in week two against the Giants. I'm not too sure who to pick here, but I'll go with the Jets, because Dallas's pass defense stinks, and the Jets haven't been able to run at all this year. This game should have a Surgeon General's warning on it. Prediction: New York

Today I decided to take a gamble—I had to drive to work for a stupid reason, so instead of paying $15 to park in a lot, I took a permit parking space, taking the chance of getting caught and paying a $15 ticket. In a few hours, I'll know how I did. Choosing the outcome of this game is just as risky. Prediction: Dallas

Indianapolis at New Orleans

This is a tough game to pick, because neither team has a coach named Bill or Mike. Of course, Indianapolis surprised everyone last week by throwing the ball to someone who was not Marvin Harrison; now they seem to be the "favorites" in this matchup. I'd guess differently though—the Saints, while underachieving so far this season, need to get their act together, and I'm sure the menacing glare of Jim "Billmike" Haslett will scare them into shape. Either way, I'm not going to watch this game. Prediction: New Orleans

I'm equally perplexed by this game. I got burned by picking the Saints last week, and don't want that to happen again. Both of these teams play in domes...gross. The real winner in this game will be the Colts when they move to LA and get a real stadium. Lets hope the roof is somehow ripped off of the Superdome in prime time, and these teams can play some real football. Prediction: Indianapolis

Green Bay at Chicago

This probably seemed like a good game when they made the Monday Night Football schedule, but only three weeks into the season, both teams are looking like dismal failures. I think I'm gonna have to choose the Packers since their coach is named "Mike" and Chicago are a total fucking joke. Prediction: Green

I don't think Green Bay will end up being the dismal failure Tom seems to believe they are. Chicago, though, well, as much as I like the Bears, I don't see more than three wins in their future this year. At least the newly refurbished Soldier Field should look really good in the blimp shots. Prediction: Green Bay