Tom and Adam's NFL Picks — Week 3

Last week was pretty intense. It's because of intense, close games that football is such an exciting sport. We applaud the NFL for their Marxist tendencies a la salary cap; it certainly makes the game more competitive and enjoyable for the spectators. However, it makes these "football picks" columns damn near impossible to write. Who would have expected Carolina to block three kicks last week? Or Oakland to almost blow it to Cincinnati (of all teams)?

Anyway, Tom is proud to report that he watched about six NFL games at the same time, at a football bar in North Providence, Rhode Island. When he walked in, the locals glared at him with a "Who is this nerd?" look, but after a few rounds of Sam Adams, he fit right in with the jocks. Good-bye artfaggery, hello meathead culture!!

Here's our picks.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta

Tampa Bay lost a close one last week, as both teams' defenses almost completely stifled the opposing offenses. Though Brad Johnson's a little banged up this week, I don't see Atlanta being able to stop the Bucs. That, and Doug Johnson simply won't be able to do anything against Tampa's defense. Were Michael Vick in the game, this might be a tougher call, but I think it'll be an easy Tampa Bay win. Prediction: Tampa Bay

I believe Nostradamus called this one in 1528 when he proclaimed: "On the third week of diviniation/ the mighty falcon falls As young alchemist Gruden / reclaims his throne." Prediction: Tampa Bay

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati

The Steelers are good for at least one embarassing loss per season; though the Bengals might not be as pathetic as everyone thinks. They nearly upset Oakland last week, and I'm glad to see things starting to turn around in the wonderful city of Cincinnati. Of course, Cincinnati-style chili has SPAGHETTI in it. What the hell is that? Expect the Steelers' new West-Coast offense to be the spaghetti in their chili, but with some undercooked crunchy bits that will cause them to choke. Prediction: Pittsburgh

I share Tom's fear about this possibly being the Steelers' one embarassing loss this year. I also, however, share his confidence in a Steelers win. I just read some article about how the Bengals secondary "has some teeth" this year (the horrible pun is the author's, not mine, but I think the Steelers will be fine. What concerns me most is the fact that the Steelers probably won't need a running game this week, but they need to start gaining some yards on the ground. Prediction: Pittsburgh

Minnesota at Detroit

Minnesota's looked surprisingly good so far this season. And after two relatively strong wins, they get to face Detroit this week. A matchup like this makes me think about the days when the Lions had Barry Sanders, and their games were always fun to watch. But, that's like reading fakejazz now and thinking about what it was like when Daron was still young and guys like John Fail still wrote...it doesn't do you any good to live in yesterday. Today's Lions have some bright spots, but not enough to win this one. Prediction: Minnesota

In my continual sympathy for underdogs, I'm going to pick Detroit. This is a team on the rise, and I think a strong divisional win will show everyone that they aren't about to be written off. Prediction: Detroit

New Orleans at Tennessee

This time of the year always makes my allergies flare up. Snot has been pouring from my head at the rate of about .67 liters per hour; thus I've been stuffing my pockets with Kleenex to avoid messy social situations. Last night I did laundry and forgot to empty out one of my pockets, so my clean clothes were strewn with wispy tufts of Kleenex. It was annoying to pick them out of the basket, just like it's annoying to pick a winner here, because both teams are fairly evenly matched. Injuries will make all of the difference for the Titans, but with a healthy McNair I think they can pull through. Prediction: Tennessee

Oh no, Tommy! I just heard that Mr. McNair's in even more pain today thatn he was on Sunday during the game. I guess that means he may not play, and, in his place, the Titans have...ummmm...Billy Volek or Jason Gesser. Never heard of them? Neither has anyone else. Maybe letting Neil O'Donnell go wasn't such a hot idea. The Saints defense shouldn't have a problem with the Titans. I like the Saints' offense, too. They've got a lot of weapons, and, like James Bond, they look good using them (at least when they're wearing all black). Prediction: New Orleans

Jacksonville at Indianapolis

Florida always makes me think of horrible things: Don Johnson, voter intimidation, the elderly, Disney. The continued existence of the Jacksonville Jaguars is definitely another problem with this state. Did you ever see the old Loony Tunes where Bugs Bunny saws off Florida? That one ruled. Also, the old weird cartoons where Daffy Duck would imitate Hitler were awesome. Prediction: Jacksonville

I really can't explain what's going through Tom's head. I dislike Florida as much as anyone, and I can't see how he's picking the Jaggies to win this game. Indy's just beginning to get hot, and they'll roll. I have only two questions: How long until Byron Leftwich starts, and when will the Jaguars wear pastel uniforms to match the official decor of their state? Prediction: Indianapolis

New York Jets at New England

New York, New England, New Delhi, New Brunswick, Newfoundland. So many cities are proud to be new - but why does no one ever celebrate the old? Speaking of old, how about Vinnie Testaverde? He's even older than Daron, and while I have a lot of respect for the guy, he just ain't cutting it this season. As reprehensible as the Patriots are, I'm gonna have to go with them over the team I like better. Prediction: New England

New York looked bad in week one, but New England, a candidate for many experts to make the Super Bowl, looked even worse. The Patriots turned it around in week two, but the Jets are still looking as though the miss Chad Pennington. Unless Curtis Martin can get himself over 100 yards and a touchdown or two, the Jets could have a chance. Unfortunately, I see pretty boy Tom Brady and his overrated Patriots pulling this one out. Have I mentioned how much more I liked the Bledsoe era in Foxboro? Prediction: New England

Kansas City at Houston

Much like everyone has predicted, the Chiefs are off to a really impressive start. Last week, they ran the hell out of their main weapon, Friar Holmes, apparently unconcerned with wearing him out before December. This week they should keep much of the momentum and easily defeat the Texans. But I could be wrong. I'm wrong a lot. Prediction: Kansas City

Houston's managed to raise some eyebrows so far this season, but Kansas City's looking like one of the best teams in the NFL so far. This may not be a complete romp for the Chiefs, but after seeing what they were able to do to Pittsburgh last week, it's hard to predict anything less than a ninety-two point win for the Chiefs. Prediction: Kansas City

Baltimore at San Diego

I'm going to keep picking San Diego until they win. Jamal Lewis made headlines last week, but I'm sure Junior Seau will be able to stop him. Oh wait - Seau isn't on the Chargers anymore. Hmmmm. Still I gotta stick with my guns - eventually LaDanian Tomlinson and David Boston will be able to produce something (and both mine and Adam's fantasy football teams depend on it!). Prediction: San Diego

Like Tom, I continue to have faith in San Diego. Their defense has been depleted, but they've got the offensive tools to be scoring like the Chiefs. David Boston's been a non-factor, though, and the defense has had trouble staying in games, so LT gets little chance to run. Jamal Lewis may have another big game for the Ravens, as the Chargers run defense is about as tough as Daron or a really soft pillow. That'll be what decides this game. Prediction: Baltimore

Green Bay at Arizona

After Arizona's big air show in week one, everyone was full of optimism for the Cards in this new Plummer-less era. Green Bay lost big in week one, but they came back for a win in week two. Ahman Green will be able to carry them here, unless to unbearable Arizona heat melts the Packers before the end of the second quarter. Luckily, since it's Arizona in September, no one will be there to see it. Prediction: Green Bay

On paper, Arizona are the worst team in the NFL. In practice, they're not so hot either. Even though Green Bay is shaky with some key injuries, they should be able to easily win this game. Prediction: Green Bay

St. Louis at Seattle

I picked against Marc Bulger last week and paid for it. How can I have the aplomb to do it again? Well, the Rams are taking on Seattle, who, just as Tom and I predicted, have looked good so far this season. I doubt the Seahwaks defense can keep up at the rate of five turnovers a game, but I think Marc Bulger will experience career loss number two on Sunday. Prediction: Seattle

Even though I think Seattle are a very impressive force, I'm gonna have to side with St. Louis here. Marc Bulger is an excellent quarterback who deserves to be more than a #2. If he's smart enough to use Marshall Faulk, the game should be within reach. It will be close, but St. Louis can persevere. Prediction: St. Louis

New York Giants at Washington

I'm not happy about Washington's success so far this year. I wanted to see them continue to flounder until Steve Spurrier finally got his head on straight and found a reliable quarterback. Patrick Ramsey, though, has been solid so far this season, and the 'Skins are looking good. The Giants are coming off of a loss to the Cowboys, so I think they'll be fired up. I'm torn. I have nothing funny to say. Prediction: Washington

New York had an awesome comeback last week, though they still lost. You can blame their kicker for booting it out of bounds with 11 seconds left, allowing Dallas to move to field goal range - but I'd prefer to blame Jeremy Shockey. He dropped a few passes and was generally ineffective - and against his hated enemy Bill Parcells. You know what else I'd like to blame Jeremy Shockey for? War, famine, disease and intolerance. And the show "Threat Matrix". Prediction: New York

Cleveland at San Francisco

If it weren't for a bungled play with time running out last week, San Fran would've beat the Rams, and been 2-0. Cleveland has been about as ugly as the girls Daron lusts for on all those reality TV shows. Kelly Holcomb is no better than Tim Couch (I knew it!), and the Browns have little hope of avoiding an 0-3 start. Prediction: San Francisco

Last night I played Madden with my friend Pete, and I chose the 49ers. I sucked! The pass protection was terrible and I had trouble going anywhere with Garrison Hearst. Since football video games mirror real life, I'd have the tendency to choose Cleveland here. But then we played a game with classic teams - the 89 Broncos vs. the 89 49ers. I was the 49ers again, and did significantly better with Joe Montana and Roger Craig (though I still blew it in the 4th quarter). With my confidence thus renewed, I hereby choose San Francisco. Prediction: San Francisco

Miami at Buffalo

Having to pick winners at games like this reminds me just how difficult and stupid writing this picks can be. Sometimes I feel like the only purpose of writing this column is so I can look back the next week at my wildly inaccurate predictions and feel stupid. With that in mind, I'll take Buffalo because they have a menacing force so far this season, while Miami is only starting to build momentum. Prediction: Buffalo

Miami is the team that came into the season with all the hype, but Buffalo's been the team that's looking like the real thing. I won't mention again how the Patriots shouldn't have dropped Drew Bledsoe, but he sure is getting the job done in Buffalo. The Bills' defense is much improved, and though Miami will provide their stiffest challenge so far this season, I think the Bills will pull this one out. Prediction: Buffalo

Oakland at Denver

A great west coast rivalry, and on Monday night as well! After last week Oakland will probably want to show the world they still got "it"; I'm still gonna take Denver, since I like them more (even though their head coach looks like the kind of grade school teacher you had that always yelled at you). Prediction: Denver

This game features a lot of different players whose names you'll hear John Madden say at some point during the broadcast. You'll see them do that little intro thing in which they state their name and alma mater. They'll have names on the back of their jerseys, too. There's only one name you need to remember, though, because he'll be the deciding factor in this game: Clinton Portis. Prediction: Denver