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Washington at Atlanta |
Like a junkie desperate for methadone, I watched Washington play last week even though I had no interest in the game. And Patrick Ramsey made this amazing play where he ducked under a diving defender to launch a 40 yard pass. Overall, they looked like a solid team. Atlanta, however, couldn't produce squat with their offense, only stumbling to a victory against the inept Cowboys last week. Though it pains me to do so, I'm gonna go with Washington. I just hope that the Native American population of America will forgive me. Prediction: Washington |
I, too, watched more of the Redskins/Jets game than I should have. That said, I have to admit that I was impressed by Washington’s offensive performance. Patrick Ramsey, however, definitely overachieved and won’t do as well in coming weeks. Though I see the Atlanta offense sputtering this week, I don’t see Washington’s doing much better against an improved Atlanta defense, and I think this will be a close one. Prediction: Atlanta
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Detroit at Green Bay |
I loved seeing Detroit play a great game last week. I have a soft spot for eternal losers—which I guess is why I fit in here at fakejazz. Green Bay is a shining symbol of how professional sports should be run, and I have a soft spot for them too. Now it may be premature to predict this, but I wouldn't be surprised if Charles Rogers takes Offensive Rookie of the Year this season. However, even though Green Bay was upset by Minnesota last week (and also factoring in the loss of Donald Driver), I don't think Detroit will be able to stop them. Prediction: Green Bay (but only by a hair) |
Green Bay looked about as smooth as Daron on a Friday night with the ladies last week. I’m not sure where Brett Favre’s head was, and Donald Driver was almost a total non-factor before hurting himself. Detroit scored like crazy against Arizona, though that’s nothing to get too excited about. Joey Harrington and Charles Rogers, though, could be a pretty deadly combination this year. I think Green Bay will get back on track, though, and pull this thing out, especially if Driver plays. Prediction: Green Bay |
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Tennessee at Indianapolis |
Tennessee came out on top against Oakland last week, and played a fairly solid game. I think they’re looking good again, and though I’m not going to proclaim them Super Bowl favorites quite yet, I think that they just might end up as one of the NFL’s strongest teams. Indianapolis barely beat the Browns, and just won’t compete against the Titans. I’m still not ready to say that Peyton Manning is ready to lead his team to the Super Bowl. Heck, he hasn’t even gotten the Colts as far as Jim Harbaugh did. And now, with talk of the franchise moving, the team may intentionally throw some games in order to drum up support for a move to New Haven, where they’ll build fakejazz stadium and finally find a real home. Prediction: Tennessee |
Tennessee is a safe bet here; they can be a formidable force as long as their starters stay healthy. My post-season hatred of the Titans has settled down since the offfseason, where I remained bitter about the way their kicker Nedney fell to the ground in a fake display of pain, causing a "running into the kicker" penalty and resulting in the Steelers not advancing to the AFC championship game. But Nedney is hurt, so the football gods have enacted their revenge. And I can forgive this team, at least for now. Prediction: Tennessee
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Pittsburgh at Kansas City |
This is a tough one to call. The Steelers looked really good last week against what was supposed to be a tough Ravens defense, and their defense came through against rookie Kyle Boller. This week, though, they’re up against Priest Holmes and a more mature Kansas City offense. I see both offenses piling up points this week, and I think the winner of the game will be the team whose defense comes up big late in the game. Going with this formula, and, against my better judgment, I think I’m forced to pick Pittsburgh. And to think, when I began writing this paragraph, I was ready to predict the Chiefs. Prediction: Pittsburgh
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As frightening as the Steelers offense looked last week, their defense only survived because they were facing a rookie quarterback in his first NFL game ever. With prime run-stopper Joey Porter still out with a cap in his ass, I expect Priest Holmes to make mincemeat of the Steelers. Prediction: Kansas City |
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San Francisco at St. Louis |
I took St. Louis last week, but Kurt Warner played about as well as George Bush handles the US economy. And now he mysteriously has a "concussion"—an excuse to put in Marc Bulger, who is a favorite of both Adam and I? I'm worried about choosing St. Louis two weeks in a row, but I want to believe that there's more to NFL picks than astrology and tea leaves. Prediction: St. Louis
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Kurt Warner with a concussion isn’t a pretty sight. He killed both the chances of the Rams and my fantasy team with his performance last weekend, so it’s no surprise that Marc Bulger will get the start this week. And, as Tom said, I like Bulger, and think he’ll be a pretty good quarterback someday soon in the NFL. That said, San Francisco’s looking strong this season, and I think they’ll pull this one out. Prediction: San Francisco
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Houston at New Orleans |
Houston's victory over Miami was the upset of last week, and left both Adam with the sour taste of bean dip in our mouths. I'm going to be conservative and pick New Orleans here, though I secretly want to see Houston go 16-0 this season and become the greatest 2nd year team in history. Also, my little brother, Tony Eigen, loves the Saints and always uses them in Madden, and I think he'd be excited if I mentioned him in this column. Prediction: New Orleans
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Anyone would have had to be crazy to pick Houston last week, and though I think New Orleans isn’t on Miami’s level, to pick Houston to win two in a row would be pretty silly. The Saints are a good team and have some great weapons. The Texans will look more like the Texans of last year trying to keep up.
Prediction: New Orleans
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Miami at New York Jets |
I’d love to pick the Jets here. I hated seeing them lose last week, and really wanted to see Vinny T. pull one out against the stupid Redskins. Miami, though, should have the proverbial hunger after a fluke loss to Houston. I’m still not convinced that Jay Fielder is a Super Bowl quarterback, but I think the Dolphins have enough other offensive options and a great defense, and I seriously doubt New York will give them much of a challenge. Prediction: Miami
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Miami should hopefully rally after their upset defeat last week, and they don’t have to do much to defeat the Jets, who are a mess of a team right now. I’ve decided to be more exact in my predictions, so here goes: Expect a close game—coming down to a field goal or safety—with a freak accident in the third quarter, and a big play with 6:31 left in the fourth quarter. Prediction: Miami
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Buffalo at Jacksonville |
I fearlessly (and correctly) chose Buffalo last week and was rewarded. Lucky for the Bills, Jacksonville’s even worse than New England, and the improved Bills defense should be able to keep them in check. Drew Bledsoe will have another big game, and though Mark Brunell held off calls for Byron Leftwich for another week, I don’t think he’ll be able to lead the offense to a win here. Prediction: Buffalo
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Adam is quick to dismiss Brunell, as was I, but the reports I’ve read said that he looked as good as ever. Still, Buffalo has the makings of a world-class team, except for their uniforms looking like vomit. Actually, this will be a battle between the NFL team with the best uniforms (the Jaguars black on black) and the worst. Jacksonville’s offense is fairly mediocre, and with the stars now staffing the Bills’ defense, hopefully the Bills will persevere. Prediction: Buffalo
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Cleveland at Baltimore |
After getting spanked by Pittsburgh last weekend, Baltimore should show some improvement this week, especially on defense, where they got picked apart easily last week. Cleveland hung tight with Indianapolis, but lost out in the end. Though conventional wisdom might say that Baltimore comes out on top in this one, I think Kelly Holcomb will reward his coaching staff for the decision to let him unseat Tim Couch, and the Ravens offense will continue to sputter under Kyle Boller. Cleveland didn’t have much trouble with Peyton Manning, so I doubt Boller gets much done this weekend, and Jamal Lewis can’t carry the team. Prediction: Cleveland
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Yet again I am siding with Adam on a game that I feel could be really close. I long for an extremely close game with no touchdowns—oh wait, Cleveland did that last weekend. This week, expect the Browns to pull ahead and win 23-21 with seven field goals and a safety; Kelly Holcomb will pass for almost 1,000 years but with zero touchdowns. Prediction: Cleveland
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Seattle at Arizona |
What has Seattle brought us? Microsoft, Starbucks coffee, the WTO riots of 1999, neoliberalism, and grunge. What has Arizona given to the world? Sensory deprivation tanks, hippies, and the Sun City Girls. While the Sun City Girls definitely outweigh everything else I've listed, I'd have to be crazy to pick the Cardinals this week. Prediction: Seattle
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Anyone who thinks that Jeff Blake’s performance last week was for real is kidding themselves, and though Anquan Boldin played really well in his NFL debut, I think he’ll come back to earth this week. Seattle’s offense, though, is for real. Unless the Seahawks wilt in the Arizona heat, this is Seattle’s game. Prediction: Seattle
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Carolina at Tampa Bay |
On paper this looks like a classic struggle between two great defensive teams. In reality, this will be a blowout probably more lopsided than the Bucs' victory over the Eagles last week. This space left blank for Jim Steed to insert a joke. Prediction: Tampa Bay
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Why did Carolina have so much trouble last week with Jacksonville? I don’t know, but I don’t see their offense doing too much this week. In what should be a tough defensive game, I see the machine-like Bucs offense wearing down Carolina and coming out on top. What will be interesting, though, is to see if the Panthers’ offense can muster up a few points more that the Eagles big zero. Prediction: Tampa Bay
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Cincinnati at Oakland |
This will just be gross. Ugly, ugly, ugly. The poor Bengals get Denver and Oakland back to back. Whatever facets of the Oakland game plan faltered against the Titans will run more smoothly this week. Prediction: Oakland
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Yes, Cincinnati will lose, but it won’t be ugly. The team is improving by leaps and bounds, and Oakland’s overconfidence will hurt them. Hopefully they’ll play a little cleaner this week, cause they lost so many yards to penalties last week. I almost want Cincinnati to lose a few games so Carson Palmer can be substituted for an ailing Jon Kitna, and lead the team to a few victories. Prediction: Oakland
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New England at Philadelphia |
Though I was really disappointed with the Eagles last week, I really hope they can pull it together this week and fire-bomb the Patriots just like Philadelphia mayor bombed the MOVE complex in 1985. Luckily they are playing the other team that was surprisingly shut out last week. Prediction: Philadelphia
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The Patriots played like I expected last week, and will do so again. The Eagles shouldn’t have a problem continuing to prove that Tom Brady isn’t an elite quarterback. The Eagles may have dropped off of some people’s Super Bowl lists last week, but look for them to bounce back here and stifle the Patsies soundly. Jim Steed, you can smile now. Prediction: Philadelphia
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Denver at San Diego |
Denver looked good last week, but, then again, they played the Bengals. The Chargers looked pretty mediocre. Unless Ladanian Tomlinson can rattle off at least 200 total yards, I don’t see this going the Chargers way. Then again, the acquisition by the Broncos of Jake Plummer isn’t looking all that much better than the Kordell Stewart debacle in Chicago. Clinton Portis carries the Broncos this week, just as he did last week. Prediction: Denver
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Here’s a great divisional matchup by two very equal teams. I’m going to give the Chargers the edge here, because I think last week was a fluke and they have it in them to win. If David Boston and Tomlinson can get into a rhythm, the team will be dangerous on the ground and in the air. And the Denver defense doesn’t seem strong enough to keep up. Prediction: San Diego
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Chicago at Minnesota |
Why am I picking Chicago again? When I looked over last week's column I realized that picking them over the 49ers was the stupidest pick again. Of course, we don't put much research into these columns—we write them in an hour at work—so I tend to go with gut feelings. I'll hope that Minnesota's victory last week was a fluke, and Kordell Stewart will get his first win with the last team he'll probably ever start for. Prediction: Chicago
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Though I’d love to go along with John and choose the Bears, I’d be doing so only out of sentimentality. Kordell Stewart did exactly what I thought he’d do last week, and, as a result, the Bears looked baaaad. Their defense was pretty shabby, too. The Vikings aren’t as good as they looked last week, but they’ll win this one, too. Prediction: Minnesota
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Dallas at New York Giants |
I'm sure there will be lots of media ballyhoo over Bill Parcells facing his old team; I'm sure that Al and Madden will chatter about it constantly; I'm sure that they will cut to the sidelines after ever play to show Parcells standing there looking like an ox about to digest his dinner; I'm sure that when the Giants trounce the Cowboys everyone will fuss over "What is Bill Parcells doing wrong?" not looking at the fact that the Cowboys are just a shitty team and it's hard to improve a team where Quincy Carter actually won the starting job; and I'm sure that I'll probably eat these words next week when I go 6-10 again. Prediction: New York
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Parcells, Shamrcells. This is one team Billy can’t save. The only question is what will look worse, Bill in his t-shirt and shorts or the Cowboys. Look for a big game from Collins, Shockey, and Barber. Let’s hope Michael Strahan breaks his single season sack record all in the second quarter. Prediction: New York
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