Tom and Adam's NFL Picks — Week 1

New York Jets at Washington

Though this doesn't seem like the greatest choice for the NFL's opening game, there's more drama here than you might expect. You have the acquisition by Washington of Laveranues Coles, still finding motivation to play great because Peter Warrick got more special treatment at Florida State than him. Then there's also the test of Vinny Testaverde, who, nearing the age of forty, must try to fill in for the man who took his spot last year, Chad Pennington. The Redskins, as usual, have made a lof of good offseason moves, but, as usual, won't be much of a factor in the NFC East due to the usual black hole at quarterback no matter how stylish Steve Spurrier's visors are. Prediction: New York

I hate Washington, primarily because they have a racist team name. I made my own team in the Madden video game this year—the 20th Century Composers—and actually replaced the Redskins with them so I wouldn't have to look at their ugly, offensive logo. And I'm sure John Cage is a better quarterback than Patrick Ramsey. But without BMOC Pennington, I don't want to put much faith in the Jets. Prediction: Washington

New England at Buffalo

Buffalo looks like an improved team. They've signed whiny linebacker Takeo Spikes who just couldn't bear to play for Cincinnati anymore, and took a big chance on injured rookie Willis McGahee. However, all of the Football Journalists are suddenly predicting New England to be this phenomenal team because they stole some talent from the Bears or something. I don't think that's necessarily true—and I really don't care for New England as a team (though the countryside is beautiful)—but I will pick them anyway, because the Journalists know a lot more about football than I do. Also, New England is the home of fakejazz god Daron Gardner, and you gotta win one for the gipper. Prediction: New England

You know, New England wins a Super Bowl a few years back, then comes nowhere near that level the next year, and people continue to champion them, mainly because they picked up two guys (Colvin and Washington) who, no matter how good, did little to lift what should have been a great Bears defense last year. Buffalo made some strides as well, and hopefully, this game will be another reminder for Patriots fans about just what they gave up when jettisoning Drew Bledsoe for Tom Brady, a guy whose star power is already fading fast. Prediction: Buffalo

Denver at Cincinnati

While I really want to pick Cincinnati to be needlessly contrarian (the same sense of contrarianism that has me telling people I prefer Neutral Milk Hotel's first album to their second), I also want to make Adam run through a garden of worms next January while shooting him with menstrual blood-filled Super Soaker 200's. Prediction: Denver

I don't even want to pick Cincinnati. They won't lose every game this season, but this sure isn't one of the ones they'll win. Jake Plummer's not Denver's messiah, but I think they're a team that will be better this year, especially if they can ride a healthy Clinton Portis through sixteen weeks of football. I just don't think Cincinnati can play at the level they'll need to for 60 minutes to beat Denver. Prediction: Denver

Arizona at Detoit

Yuck. Picking a winner in this game is like deciding which Aerosmith song you like best. Arizona inserts Jeff Blake for Jake Plummer and somehow dreams that it's an improvement. Emmitt Smith won't be getting it done for them either, at least not for a full season. The Lions are looking equally sad, but have more hope in a promising young quarterback (Joey Harrington), a rookie receiver (Charles Rogers), and a defense that should be adequate, at least. Steve Mariucci's lucky to get Arizona in his debut as Lions coach. I'd predict an ever bigger win if Detroit is wearing those amazing throwback uniforms they have. Prediction: Detroit

For some reason I am drawn to mediocre teams. I have high hopes for the Lions, and low hopes for the Cardinals. I agree with you, Adam, but it doesn't really matter since no one is going to watch this game anyway. Prediction: Detroit

St. Louis at New York Giants

The Rams' offensive juggernaut was derailed a little last year by some injuries and bad luck, but counting them out this year is like expecting Daron to go home alone on a Friday night just because he flew solo the week before. Expect Daron and the Rams to be scoring like crazy this fall, and though the Giants are a perennially solid team, strong on both sides of the ball, I don't think they'll be able to keep up with the Rams, Jeremy Shockey or not. Prediction: New York

When Jeremy Shockey receives a career-ending mullet injury this game, it will be a victory for all gay rights supporters everywhere. And a victory for the Rams as well. I don't know why you said the Rams will win, Adam, but then predicted the Giants. Prediction: St. Louis

Indianapolis at Cleveland

This is a tough call. Cleveland is coming off of a quarterback controversy, where coach Butch "I look great in a brown sweater" Davis has chosen Kelly Holcomb—wisely, I would say. Indianapolis, however, has an "everything else" controversy, the controversy being that a great team cannot be made with just a quarterback, running back, and one wide receiver. Actually, I'm being hard on the Colts, because the real focus of this game is the battle between the cities—two midwestern towns with reputations for being shitholes. I've never been to Indianapolis, so Cleveland wins due to it's excellent public library, art museum, and Ethiopian restaurant. Oh, and Great Lakes Brewery. Prediction: Cleveland

A year removed from being playoff upset darlings in a lot of people minds, Cleveland finds themselves being labeled as big off-season losers bound for another disappointing season. Sure, they got beat by the Steelers, but, as Tom points out, Holcomb is going to be an improvement on Tim Couch, and William Green just might have a pretty great year. Indianapolis seems to tread water every year with Manning, James, and Harrison and never quite do what they need to do to win a Super Bowl. I think this one's a close one, but I'm thinking Indy's just a better all-around team. Prediction: Indianapolis

Minnesota at Green Bay

Though a home game in Green Bay is even more punishing in December, heading to Lambeau Field just isn't anyone's favorite trip. The Packers look to continue their recent successes with the usual cast of characters. Favre will continue to be a great NFL quarterback, Ahman Green will do his thing, and Donald Driver should continue to improve at WR. Minnesota's got the skilled players they need, but never seem to put things together for a whole season. Though they've got a few good backups to replace the injured Michael Bennett, I'm going with the Packers to win this game and the division. Prediction: Green Bay

I beat my friend Brian 42-17 at Madden using the Vikings last week. I guess that's not a good enough reason to pick them over the Packers. Perhaps the football romantic in me wants Brett Favre to win the Super Bowl this year, then retire. Prediction: Green Bay

Jacksonville at Carolina

A meeting of two expansion teams who entered the league the same year. The Mark Brunell era seems to be coming to an end and Carloina's been improving, especially on defense, where I think they'll be a force in the NFC. With Stephen Davis at running back, the Panthers are a reliable quarterback away from making the jump to the next proverbial level. Prediction: Carolina

With all the defense in the world, Carolina still won't be able to get the ball into the endzone enough to win this. Who knows—the game could come down to clock control—but I'll take Jacksonville with the slight edge. Too bad they won't be wearing those bad-ass black on black uniforms. Prediction: Jacksonville

Chicago at San Fransisco

The Bears confuse me. I've been an ardent fan since the days of Walter Payton, and after 2001's surprise 13-3 record, I was expecting big things out of Chicago last year. Unfortunately, they fell flat on their faces, and now the team (and RB Anthony Thomas) need to prove that last year was a fluke, and not 2001. For some reason, however, they decided Kordell Stewart was the man to help them prove it. Go figure. San Fransisco has a new coach, but the core of their team remains intact, and they should provide Terrell Owens plenty of opportunities for Sharpie product placements. Prediction: San Francisco

Kordell Stewart is not the answer to consistency problems. But having a home stadium again surely is. Everyone seems to overlook the fact that the Bears played every game on the road last year, never having home field advantage. And while this is an away game too, I think the new look of the team is gonna motivate them to pound the 49ers into the ground. Prediction: Chicago

New Orleans at Seattle

I'm excited about Seattle, and I think Tom will agree that they've got a chance to do some good things this year. I'm still not convinced that Matt Hasselbeck is the answer at quarterback, but Shaun Alexander and Koren Robinson should be able to make up for his limitations. New Orleans should also do pretty well this year, with most experts picking Aaron Brooks to have a standout year. I'm leaning more towards their core of receivers to be the guys to carry the team this year. Prediction: Seattle

Seattle could definitely be the sleeper team of the year (get it, "Sleeper in Seattle," it's a pun). This is actually one of their most difficult games of the year (if the year ended Sunday). I don't know how the momentum from the end of last year will carry over after the offseason, but I have high hopes. Prediction: Seattle

Atlanta at Dallas

Bill Parcells or not, the Cowboys are going to stink again this year. (And while his relationship with Bobby Knight seems a little odd, we're pretty sure Mr. Shockey's pejorative comments shouldn't be taken literally.) I see nothing in Dallas that would make me optimistic if I were a Cowboys fan. Atlanta seems overly confident in Doug Johnson's abilities after the loss of Michale Vick to injury, but I think they'll have what it takes to beat Dallas soundly. Prediction: Atlanta

Well, let's just thank God you aren't a Cowboys fan. Since I agree with you, I don't have any witty comments to add here. Prediction: Atlanta

San Diego at Kansas City

Another tough call. I like both of these teams a lot and think they're both very much improved. Both offenses should be solid—if San Diego QB Drew Brees can crank it deep, David Boston should stomp Kansas City's poor pass defense. However, Priest Holmes is gonna be a deciding factor and he looked shitty in the preseason game I watched. So I'm gonna go with San Diego by a hair, cause Jim McMahon had awesome hair and he played for them one season. Prediction: San Diego

I never liked the Chiefs. I had a thing against red-uniformed teams as a kid (you know, everybody loved red as a kid, and I was totally counter-culture), and their acquisition of Joe Montana was really the last straw. That said, they've grown a little on me, and I can appreciate them a bit more. The Chargers, however, are a team I can really get behind. Brees, Boston, and Tomlinson are three guys who can really kill a defense if they're clicking, and San Diego is still owed by the football gods after all those times Dan Fouts had to freeze his hands off in playoff road games. If Priest Holmes is healthy, though, he just might be the difference here. Prediction: Kansas City

Houston at Miami

Are you fucking kidding me? I wish Adam would pick Houston so I could gloat at him next week, but I'm sure he's gonna agree with me here. They could start Brian Griese with a broken toe and still win this. Prediction: Miami

I never liked the Dolphins, either, but they've made believers of me the past few years, with some great acquisitions on both sides of the ball. Houston is, well... Houston. They should be a little less Houston this year but still all-in-all Houston. Not much good has come out of that city, and the Texans have little hope of doing well for another three or four years. Prediction: Miami

Baltimore at Pittsburgh

Choosing a winner here is tough. While the Steelers are the hometown favorite of both me and Adam, they always start the season poorly. Plus, star linebacker Joey Porter just had a cap put into his ass while he was heroically trying to rescue starving children from the al Queda. But due to the quarterback problems in Baltimore, plus the fact that I fucking hate the Ravens, I'm going to choose the Stillers. Prediction: Pittsburgh

Yeah, the Steelers usual September swoon has me worried, and I think Baltimore may very well prove that the AFC North isn't as easy as the experts say it is. Jamal Lewis looks to have a big season, and the Ravens defense can always be counted on to change the course of more than a few games over the course of the season. Ray Lewis will most likely have another killer year (was he in Denver last weekend?). The Steelers, though, will win this game not because their passing game is now one of the NFL's best, but because their mediocre secondary will win out over rookie Kyle Boller in his first NFL game. Let's hope Jason Gildon gives him an early introduction to that new field turf at Heinz Field. Prediction: Pittsburgh

Oakland at Tennessee

This should be a hot game—a rematch of last year's AFC championship game. Tennessee played tough, but Oakland played tougher. And I think they can win this one too, by getting troubled center Barrett Robbins to distract the Tennessee secondary by going on a drunken bender after every snap. Oh, I don't mean any ill intent towards Mr. Robbins with that comment. We here at fakejazz are very sympathetic to emotional troubles, and I don't wish to imply that a football players' personal struggles are grounds for ridicule on a rock-themed website. However, I thought it would be better than making another joke about Oakland being old. Prediction: Oakland

Just like when Daron strained a quad carrying my package of promos to the post office and had to miss three issues of fakejazz, Tennessee's team, always great on paper, has been undone recently by injuries to big-time players like Jevon Kearse and Eddie George. Everyone's fairly healthy now, and it might just be time for Tennessee to find their way back to the AFC championship game. Oakland is old, but they've got a bunch of guys who can still get it done. I think, however than Tennessee wins this game, and fairly easily, because something in me tells me that Oakland's going to stumble a little coming out of the blocks. Prediction: Tennessee

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia

This should be a doozy. The NFL champions against the team that many think will unseat them this year. I'm pretty 50/50 on this game, and I think that both of these teams could pull this game out. If I believed that Tampa's defense was still heads-and-shoulders above the rest of the league, I'd give the game to them, but I think Philly's catching up. Ask me tomorrow, and I may say something else, but today I'm going with the Eagles. Prediction: Philadelphia

Maybe it's Pennsylvania pride (my tax dollars bought them a stadium too, after all), but I also think the Eagles will pull through and show everyone that the Bucs were just lucky flukes. Both teams were relatively unaffected by the offseason, and both have questionable running games. But revenge is on the minds of Philadelphia, and plus, they're opening that new stadium and want to wash away memories of how they closed the Vet. Prediction: Philadelphia