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So, things have been getting even better at our new office, as unbelievable as that may be. For example, just earlier this morning, I was able to turn the TV so that I could see it from my desk, and my mom just bought a new chair that is double padded for comfort. Ned also, just recently, picked up a picture of some mixed fruit for the wall behind me, and some new voice activated cassette player & recorder that has totally helped us keep track of and document the sparks that fly when we talk or watch TV. Here is just a taste from when we were cleaning the front room this morning:
Ned: Hey, I have a good idea for a movie. What if we were just wearing jet packs and flying around. Everytime you'd see us we'd be flying with our jetpacks, you'd never see us anywhere near the ground and you didn't really know why we were just always meeting up for lunch or whatever up in the sky amidst the clouds, but that's what we'd do. Then later it would turn out that the entire earth was destroyed and no longer even existed. So we were actually meeting at, like, Brueger's bagels for example, it just looked like high in the middle of the sky.
 I don't really know what to say about all of that conversation we had, other than that I know the future is going to be a lot more amazing technologically than whatever it is today. Technological revolutions have blown me and Daron away very much at different times in the past, and I think they'll just keep on doing that to us in the future, too. In our short lives there have already been a few really major advancements that have both taken us by complete surprise and changed everything about the way we live our silly little lives. For one thing, the internet. Also in the 80's there was the CB radio, whose cultural importance was only recently fully celebrated in the song "Convoy" by Mannheim Steamroller. I don't think people in the 70's and 80's even realized how good they had it, or that the CB could eventually be appreciated as the internet of its day. But by letting us outsmart different cops (aka bears) and communicate more easily with people in far away places, the internet and CB helped us discover new ways of looking at the world around us -- exciting new ways. I consider myself lucky to now be standing on the brink of a third great and exciting new revolutionary era where the technology of voice activated cassette recorders can help us unlock unbelievable new secrets about the inner worlds we each individually live in, and help us develop untold new whole philosophies about who we really are.
But as much intelligence and insight as me and Daron have been getting by listening to ourselves talk on tapes, I can only imagine or not even be able to imagine how smart and philosophically intense people, say ten hundred or fifteen hundred thousand years in the future might be. And what of the technology? Nano machines? How fast will the cars be? What will they even drive on? Will they pass ether through a pipe in the middle of them? Or will the future hold, as me and Daron's apocalyptic vision foretells, the utter destruction of the earth and all it's many wonders other than a few renegade and totally DIY ways of jerry rigging existing vehicles to help us get around in an airy new world with no up and no down? Will mankind go on to populate other planets and spread like a virus through different sectors of the galaxy?
NED!!! This is totally freaking me out! What if our cassettes were telling the truth?! Seriously...this is totally serious now. We have got to get our shit together and make sure we are prepared. I have come up with a list of high-priority AI's that we need to focus on to make sure that when all this shit goes down, we are going to be the ones flying the motorcycles with our jetpacks, and not the other ones that aren't, the ones that are in some other situation, totally jetpacksless and totally fucked over:
I think we can probably break this list down into a couple of groups so as to accomplish the AI items as quickly as possible. Also, you should feel free to add items to the action list...especially if they are about Necromongers or how to buy a motorcycle. Can I be Riddick? Or, if you are going to be Riddick, can I be Lord Marshall or Vaaco?
After Daron wrote all that stuff I wanted to talk to him about the details of some of the action items on the list and some possible other hypothesises we should be realizing up about the future. Since we were just sitting here together in our office I decided to speak to him by my mouth rather than by typing it with my hands. I spun around in my chair (I face the wall that's full of inspirational sayings while I typewrite, but I have a rotating chair so that I can spin around really fast to tell Daron he's doing a good job when he needs the encouragement as soon as possible. He sits next to the mini-tramp, which is behind me) and looked over at him to begin speaking and I saw that he looked really surprised and freaked out for some reason. To be honest he usually looks a little surprised while we're working because his brain is just constantly coming up with great ideas that are so totally crazy and boned out that they surprise even him a little bit, even though by all rights by now he should be about the most jaded to good ideas person on the earth. But this time he looked surprised in a funny and strange way that made me too embarrassed to talk to him. It kind of reminded me of the way I might look when I do a bit of gas in public but I'm not quite sure if anybody heard it and so I don't know whether I should laugh or excuse myself or just pretend nothing happened. Actually, I take it back, because I looked over again and this time I realized he looked totally terrified.
Anyway, pretty soon he started talking and this is what I heard we said:
I was so totally freaked out when I realized who it was! We watched Chronicles of Riddick with the pope! I still have a hard time believing it myself, and I saw him with my own eyes. Ned, what would possess the pope to see Chronicles outside the protective walls of the Vatican? Did he slip through his underground tunnels and passageways, stealing past the Vatican guards to achieve some imperative secret mission, or was he just trying to spend some quality time among his people? I HAD to find out!
After a few minutes of brainstorming, I remembered an old photograph, of my mother's, of the pope and Jerry 'The Snowman' Reed shaking hands at the 1977 movie premiere of Hal Needham's Smokey & the Bandit. And whither rooting for Buford T. Justice or the Bandit, I knew that the pope's love for the CB was undeniable.
It turns out that this "so called" personal website wasn't even made by the pope. It didn't even mention that the pope saw the Chronicles of Riddick, or anything about what his favorite Lindsay Lohan movie is. Sure that JP2 would never be content with such an impersonal site, I set out to find his Actual personal website...and luckily, after only a few minutes of indepth searching, I found it. I FOUND IT! Filled with fun facts and factoid tidbits! You can find out everything you ever wanted to know about the pope and more! For example, did you know that the pope really likes ham sandwiches? I didn't! Did you know that he likes hand signals, and that he loves going to church!
In our office, Daron and I have a lot of supplies to help us get the job done. I don't want you to think that we rely solely upon the voice activated cassette recorder -- of course it's one of the key tools that we've been using lately, but it's not the only tool for getting it done that we have at our fingertips. Our job requires a lot of different kinds of expendables, and one of the major office supply investments we've made, as we've probably implied in the past, is in computers. Daron and I both type on a computer, and they are connected together by some wires, and when two or more computers are connected by wires, it is a mainframe. A mainframe computer is a special computer that can be used to model the physical world and thus to predict the future (ie weather, the stock market, human mutation paradigms) to a high degree of accuracy, assuming certain boundary conditions are true.  That is, if we know exactly what the world is now, and if we know exactly what the world will be like at some random point in the future, the only remaining questions are how long will it take for the world to become that way, and what exactly will happen in between? A mainframe computer such as the one Daron and I have available to us as part of our office is ideally suited to answer such questions. Of course, the big problem is, how can you get an accurate set of conditions for some random point in the future without knowing how to predict the future in the first place? I have to admit, by listening to our tapes, I've accepted the possibility that Daron and I don't actually know how to predict the future, but only have an eerily accurate ability to predict future blockbuster ideas for movies, which probably isn't actually quite the same thing. Thus, we aren't able to provide our computers with accurate boundary condition data just out of our brains or off of our cassettes loaded through the voice recognition software.
Well, clearly the key will be to use the new movie Chronicles of Riddick as our accurate future boundary condition. Although from my search of imdb it doesn't look like producer Vin Diesel makes any specific claims about Chronicles being a historically accurate window onto a true future space dynasty, we can still be pretty sure that that's what it is, because Daron saw the pope there, and the pope really liked it, and I don't think the pope would put his stamp of approval on bullshit ideas or faked up lies. I'd even trust his judgment just solely based on how old he is, but on top of that, he's also the pope. So, since me and Daron figured out that we and the pope think Chronicles of Riddick is a totally true and accurate story, this morning I went to see it again, and this time I brought the voice activated tape recorder with me. Then when I got back here to our office I used the voice recognition software to upload the movie straight into me and Daron's prediction analysis mainframe. Now the only other thing we need to have happen is just to have some ass hole science faggot come over here and type some artificial intelligence crap or crap like that into our computer for us. As soon as we get that done we'll be able to know all the future facts we're wondering about such as exactly when the earth will be destroyed and how long it will be before cars can drive 1000 miles per hour. But until we get that taken care of, we can still probably use the facts laid out in Chronicles of Riddick to make a few predictions, just by relying on person powers, or "the mainframe within", ie, my human brain.
 Hey...I just found a really cool website for buying jetpacks. I wonder if they also sell 72 hour kits. Just a sec, let me keep looking around... Whoa, they sell hoverboards and plasma sabers...this is so awesome! Imagine how much easier it would have been for Riddick to totally outrun the sun if he would have had a hoverboard or jetpack. Shit, Ned, you should totally check this out...Seriously.
Yeah, so anyway, when you average all that out, you figure out that the Chronicles of Riddick takes place in the year 3004, or precisely 1000 years from now. Clearly there's a lot of stuff that still has to happen between now and then. It would really help me and Daron and the pope if we could place it all on a timeline. I mean, me and Daron and especially the pope are not going to live for a thousand years, so we're probably never going to actually have to deal with necromongers (presumably highly evolved descendants of metal heads) or selfish exploitive mercs. We won't have to deal with the same specific challenges that Riddick will have to face. But in order for everything to happen that needs to happen in a relatively short time there's going to be a lot of action going on, and a lot of preparation, and we'll want do our parts, I'm sure. I mean, thank heaven that the pope now knows to specifically prepare humanity to have their faiths shaken by fairly scary several-headed masks and big spaceships with head faces. I'm sure he'll be able to work that stuff into his sermons so that people won't be as easily converted to the necromonger religion as they might otherwise be. Also thank heaven that me and Daron will hopefully be able to really beautifully exploit humanity's fears to make a lot of money. I think we'll really freaking rake it in by selling dirt bikes and jet packs of our own design to suckers, but the good news for you guys is that buying our value packs will actually be to the your advantage, since clearly the world will be destroyed probably in about six years or so, and then what will you even do if you don't have one? There's a lot of similar things I could say, but best to just let you be surprised by how much easier we're going to make your life with our lines of inventions for the future. I'll talk to you later! Chronicles of Riddick, 12/12
daron gardner
2004 jun 18 |
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Daron: That reminds me of a totally cool idea I had about how we would be trying to race motorcycles, but we didn't want to do it on the ground incase people might see us when we lost. So we would totally just wear jetpacks and race them in the air. That way, no one would see us when we lost, and if we won or did a killer poppa-wheely, we would just videotape it and show it to Chris Anger and that would totally show him that that time he beat me up in Jr. High was totally a fluke, and that I am seriously really tough. Then he would know that maybe I was just sick that day, or...
Daron: Mutha fucka, do you remember this weekend when we went to Chronicles of Riddick?
Turning to our computers, our internet searching paid off immediately, confirming my theory. Within minutes we were logged onto the pope's 
First off, in the movie, Riddick is played by Vin Diesel, and Vin Diesel looks exactly like Vin Diesel. From this we know that the real Riddick who will really live sometime in the future will also look exactly like Vin Diesel. It's statistically impossible for someone to look exactly like someone else, so I'm tempted to think that Riddick will probably be Vin Diesel's son or grandson, or at the very most his great-grandson, implying that the earth will be destroyed and mankind will populate all the millions of other star systems by the end of the 21st century or so. However, there are a few other facts that push my estimate back a little bit. For one thing, in Chronicles of Riddick there are actual living and breathing computer generated porcupine panthers. I don't think mankind will have the technology to digitally fuse panthers (which are of the feline genus) and porcupines (which are a type of varmint and genetically dissimilar to cats) for some time now. I don't think this will occur for perhaps two thousand years. But, we also know from the movie that there will be a really hot (temperature-wise) planet that will be called "Crematoria" which, to me, is funny enough that probably they got someone like Drew Carey or Drew Carey's grandson to name it. So once again that moves the time of Riddick into the next hundred or so years.