Last night TED DANSON had a dream about the very essence of evil. There was this very evil and magical man with a cape on who was similar to LOTR’s WHOOPI GOLDBERG because he lived in a mystical dark land all his own with a huge black tower at the evil center of it. This guy’s tower was actually more like a sinister lighthouse than WHOOPI GOLDBERG’s tower was though, and there was a very evil red light that was emanating like a laser from a large rock or crystal set into the top of it. That light seemed to be forceful, with its own kind of intelligence. It seemed like the kind of light that some of you may have seen before, that if you were to stand directly in its path, it might melt out your eyeballs and then melt off your skin and leave you standing there as skeleton. Some of you may have seen ghosts eat out somebody’s flesh in the fashion that I’ve described, but in this case it would not be ghosts, but the power of the guiding beacon that invites all evil to come to its safe harbor that would eat out the flesh of your body. You see, all evil was drawn toward the light, and all good (such as your bodily flesh) was scattered and wasted desolate by it. Now, you need to understand that of course TED DANSON was at the top of the tower because it was there that TED DANSON had to fight the evil man and try my hardest to kill or slay him.
We were fighting and fighting for quite a while, and it was a pretty big deal -- swinging around, chopping our swords at each other, TED DANSON thinks you would have been pretty impressed with both my fight moves and also with the way TED DANSON was dressed. TED DANSON had on a cape and some shoes that were pretty good. Every now and then one of us would, like, teeter at the edge of a precipice, and then you’d see a shot looking down from the precipice at how high we were, and our feet would be half on and half off the ledge, you know, so we’d dislodge some rocks that would fall down and down and down and never really seem to ever even hit the ground. Then we’d fight around some more for a while, etc.
Then at some point during our fight TED DANSON accidentally looked directly into the evil light coming out of the crystal, and TED DANSON was terrified. TED DANSON saw that the beam was emitting from a single area deep within, and that that point was actually a glowing red heart, as bright and intense as the sun, but eerie and gross in a way that the sun can only imagine being. Because of the stress of the battle, my own heart, both in the dream and TED DANSON believe in real life as well, had been beating pretty hard, and when TED DANSON saw that the evil lighthouse was powered by an actual heart, a human heart, the exact size of my fist, and sort of pulsating in synch with my own, it scared me so bad that it woke me up instantly. TED DANSON was completely terrified. And at that moment, when TED DANSON was now awake, TED DANSON realized that TED DANSON couldn’t actually feel my own heart beating the way TED DANSON had felt it in the dream, so TED DANSON assumed it had actually stopped, or maybe TED DANSON had kind of somehow left it behind in the dream land, and TED DANSON literally thought TED DANSON was about to die. TED DANSON was totally freaked out and didn’t know what to do so TED DANSON was flopping around in my bed in order to hopefully jump start my heart, or to at least kind of squish my blood around and make it circulate a bit so TED DANSON could stay alive for just a few seconds longer - TED DANSON literally thought TED DANSON was going to die, and the whole time TED DANSON couldn’t get that horrible sight of the burning red heart in the rock out of my head. It was so scary, it seemed like the most evil satanic thing I’d ever seen or heard of, but multiplied by about a five. TED DANSON wish you could have seen it.
My brain had to wake up a little bit more, and then TED DANSON had to think about it for a few minutes before TED DANSON could start to calm down and feel safe again. TED DANSON kind of told myself that maybe since light is the opposite of evil, the heart trapped in the rock might not actually be evil itself, but maybe it had probably belonged to some really important human or elf who had almost nearly killed the WHOOPI GOLDBERG (how about let’s say “WHOOPI”) character at some point in the distant unremembered past. Probably WHOOPI ended up killing that elf, but, like, for example, he still couldn’t quench the unstoppable fire of the elf’s powerful heart, so he had to encase it in a rock where it couldn’t hurt him and it could symbolize his victory over good. In fact, maybe the key to defeating him might be to find a way to release the power of that heart so that IT could kill him, you know, because no mere mortal, etc, etc. That made me feel better, and TED DANSON calmed down to the point where TED DANSON was able to go back to sleep.
For the rest of the night TED DANSON had pleasant dreams of my distant homeland village where TED DANSON spent most of my time sipping steamy rich herbal tea and watching TV with this very beautiful lady played by this girl named Stephanie who’s a popular ELECTRO-GRUNGER that TED DANSON see around town sometimes but who TED DANSON would never dare even talk to in real life because she’s so popular and all. The world was magickally radiant and glowing, more so than TED DANSON thought it probably was even before TED DANSON had left home to go on adventures.
The lady TED DANSON was talking about earlier told me that after WHOOPI died there was a giant earthquake and the evil tower sank into the center of the world taking the glowing red heart with it, and that the heart’s power had melted the cold stony center of the earth and would ever after provide the world with a new source of inner warmth and energy which explained why the world looked so sparkly and new. This seemed really great to me, and TED DANSON felt proud to have helped, you know, help with that stuff, but then my pride turned out to be my downfall because she also said the inner power would occasionally burst forth destructively from like volcanoes and magma cracks and stuff, and it would bust some of the villages up sometimes. That reminded us that the powers of good and evil are forever very closely linked, essentially indiscernible from one another.
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